Week 2 Check In and Some Truth

So far, I've lost 9 pounds, which is great, but I'm really having a hard time getting past how moronic this whole plan is.  I'm torn between doing what I know I should do and sticking to this retarded plan because I dropped so much cash on it, and I hate to waste money.  One thing I'm not doing is eating 500 cals per day.  I'm probably between 750 and 1000, which is still not as much as you're supposed to eat, but it's better than 500 measly calories a day. I really want to start running, so if I do that, I have to eat more.

If anyone is reading this and thinking of trying hcg, I would advise against it.  It's not that I'm starving all the time (I'm really not) or that I feel deprived.  It's more because it's expensive to get the real stuff (the homeopathic stuff is shit), you're not encouraged to exercise, and you're training your body to depend on such a low calorie amount, that when you increase your intake, the weight you lost is bound to come screaming back.  I know that there are people that do this and keep the weight off, but they do ridiculous shit to keep their weight in check.  Things like "steak days" which consist of not eating anything all day and then having a steak for dinner with a tomato.  Or egg days, where you eat a dozen eggs throughout the day, prepared however you like.  And these people swear by this method and are very defensive when people point out how stupid it is.

The allure of the hcg diet is the quick weight loss, which is what sucked me in.  I was hoping to use it as a jump start to get me going on my journey.  I have, in essence, given myself an eating disorder.  I weigh myself constantly to keep myself in check to make sure I'm losing weight.  I feel good when I deprive myself from one of the only 2 fruit servings I get per day, because I feel like it will help me lose weight faster.  I'm too exhausted to be productive around the house, but I'm terrified to eat any more than I am, because I don't want the pounds I've lost to come creeping back.

I'm a third of the way through this ridiculous ordeal, and as much as I want to get my money's worth, I'm tempted to say fuck it, up my calories, and starting walking, because when I lose the extra person I'm carrying, I want to be able to say I did it the healthy way, not the psycho starvation fad diet way.  And when I lose this, I want it gone for good.  I don't want to spend every day of the rest of my life obsessed with the scale.  That, to me, seems more miserable than being fat, so what's the point?

I'm Done With Meat!

It's not a euphemism for being a lesbian; I am so sick of actual meat.  I've ventured into vegetarian territory before, because whenever I eat a lot of meat, it starts to make me physically ill.  It happens a lot on low carb, high protein diets, such as the one I'm on now.  So, for lunch, instead of the 3 oz of protein and cup of veggies I'm supposed to have, I had 2 boiled eggs with a splash of vinegar, a dollop of mayonnaise, and a pickle spear mixed in.  And, yes, those are official measurements I used.  I had an orange on the side, so my entire meal was still around 250 to 300 cals, high in protein, and no processed foods, so I'm sticking to the basic hcg plan.  I'm sure the insane diehards I've seen online would beg to differ, but the whole idea behind this thing is to do something I can stick with throughout life, not gag down food I once loved and have grown to hate due to eating it repetitively and ultimately end up gorging myself into oblivion on Easter candy and potato chips, which leads me to last night's indiscretion.

I haven't cheated on this thing ( I mean for real cheated, not like "oops I had a diet soda" cheated) since I started, and I was so proud of myself on Friday night.  My 6yo broke her wrist around 4:00, so instead of eating dinner, she and I were sitting in the orthopedic doctor's waiting room  waiting to be seen. We didn't finish until 8:00 pm, and she left with a pink cast and an empty belly.  Naturally we went to McDonald's, to reward her bravery throughout the process.  I know- bad mommy, rewarding with food, but come on.  The kid was in pain and was such a trooper.  Anywho, I hate McD's.  I think it's disgusting, and I've always said their meat doesn't taste right- WAY before the pink slime thing was exposed, I might add, but every kids loves it, including me when I was one, so McDonald's it was.  Despite my hatred for it, and most fast food for that matter, I had already made up my mind that I was going to chow down on a cheeseburger and fries, because that was my reward for...I don't know...being a trooper, too?  But, once I got up to the drive-thru, I talked myself out of it, because I've come a long way over the past week, and I am determined to change this time.  My reward for my self restraint was losing a pound.

Cut to last night when I was putting the kids' Easter baskets together, filling them with mini-Reese's, Snickers, Twix, etc.  It was like my sense of smell was heightened, and that wonderful, familiar mixture of chocolate and peanut butter was wafting toward me, becoming overwhelming and irresistible.  I devoured 1, then 2, then I lost count.  And then I got sick.  I'm not used to eating carbs, much less highly processed, sugary ones, so I really got ill.  It was then that I made the decision to have a full-on cheat meal.  I knew that it was either that, or I would come off the plan altogether, so I picked the lesser of 2 evils and had a cheeseburger, potato chips with dip, and some ice cream for dinner.  I resolved that I will be allowed 1 cheat meal per week, in order to keep my motivation and determination from waning.  And. It. Worked.  I did gain a pound back, but my resolve is stronger than ever, and the only changes I'm making are substituting vegetarian protein sources, and I really want to start running.  In order to do that, I have to up my calorie intake, so I may still wait a few more weeks, because I don't want to acknowledge to myself that the hcg was a huge waste of money.  At least, not yet.  So I'm sticking to the calorie restrictions, for now.

Week 1 Done

Today marks a week since I started the very low calorie diet.  I've lost about 7 pounds.  I say "about" because I'm not sure exactly where I started since I didn't have a digital scale until the next day.  Anyway, 7 seems pretty good to me.  I know a lot of people drop this on the first week of any diet plan they start, and it's mostly water, but I usually don't lose this much even in the first week of healthy eating on any plan. Also, my fatty fatty jeans that were too tight and providing me with a oh so sexy muffin top now slide on with no problems, so I've lost inches as well.

It took about 3 days of eating low cal not to be hungry, but I am still quite weak and exhausted.  I always thought carbs made me tired because whenever I eat a super carby meal, I'm usually ready for a big ol' nap afterward, but this is an entirely new kind of tired.  This is more like I'm a new mom again and barely functioning exhaustion.  I can feel that my blood sugar is permanently low, and that's probably because I have hypoglycemic tendencies (all the more reason I shouldn't be messing around with this).  I have been drinking my water and taking supplements consisting of Calcium Pyruvate, a daily multi-vitamin, and some adrenal health supplement of which I cannot find the ingredients.  I definitely think there's caffeine or something in the adrenal one, because I notice a definite difference between when I take it and when I don't.  In fact, if I were telling someone about this, I would recommend the supplements over the hcg, because I'm not all that convinced the hcg does anything.  The one thing it has done for me is remind me that paid a shit ton for it, and by God, that money will not go to waste, so I take that sad little pellet every morning, and I'm sticking to this goddamn plan for the 40 days.

Truthfully once it's over, I'm probably switching to the healthy diet and exercise thing because everyone I admire that has traveled this journey before me did it the old fashioned way.  Don't be fooled, though.  This is no magic pill.  It's really fucking hard to eat 2 meals a day consisting of microscopic proportions and eating the same crap over and over.  I'm not a meat fan, and I despise fish, so that's the toughest part for me.  I'd rather be on a vegetarian or vegan plan honestly, and I'll probably pursue that once this is finished. I also want to start running.  Stop laughing, asshole.  I can totally be a runner.  I just have to build up to it.  This chick is my role model, so one day I hope to get to where she is and become a role model for other chubsters, but more importantly my kids.

I Am Super Weak, Super Weak, Super Weaky, Owwww!

It's day 3 of of the low cal part, and my knees, they are a shakin'.  It feels like I ran a marathon earlier, but all I've done today is go grocery shopping, have lunch with the fam, and chill outside with my neighbor while the kiddies played.  I made a comment about being exhausted, and my 10yo turned to me and deadpanned, "from just sitting there?"  Yes, from just sitting here, smart ass. I have no carbs fueling my body, and my low carlorie count is not helping.  I'm also having hot flashes like a 50yo menopausal lady, so I'm hoping this is my metabolism kicking into high gear.

I should note that while the hunger was almost unbearable yesterday, it's been better today.  I cracked yesterday afternoon and had a greek yogurt, because it was either that or a murder-suicide involving myself and my family, so I think I made the right call.  I have also had 1 soda per day, but I have drunk a ridiculous amount of water each day to counteract it, and again, 20 oz of soda down from 2L is a vast improvement.  Other than that, I'm sticking to the plan.  Oh, and I was down 3.2 pounds as of this morning.

While starving yesterday, I was reminded of a scene from The Office, back when it was still watchable.  This is exactly how I feel.

2 Down, Lots to Go

I've lost 2 pounds since yesterday, so that was a nice thing to wake up to.  And that includes sugar free creamer in my coffee and a diet soda last night.  It was my only soda for the day, and I had been drinking literally 2 liters of soda a day up until a couple of days ago, so I thought I did pretty well.  My dinner was chicken breast on a bed of mixed greens topped with balsamic vinegar and an orange.  You're supposed to have apple cider vinegar only, but I figured it can't be that different, right?  I don't know if it's a placebo effect of the pellets or the fact that a lot of my hunger usually stemmed from my diet soda intake, but I really am not that hungry so far.  And when I am, I just drink water, and that stamps it out.  Oh, but last night I did have a lot of stomach pain, which I assumed meant my body is now resorting to cannibalistic behavior and devouring itself from the inside.

Lunch

I've definitely been on worse diets.

HCG P2 VLCD 1

Like a secret club that kids form, this diet has its own language.  For example, today is Phase 2 Very Low Calorie Day 1 (P2 VLCD 1) for me.  I know- it sounds super scientific.  I spent the last 2 days eating fatty foods and was so over it by yesterday afternoon.  I may be a fatty, but I'm not used to eating so many calories, fat grams, etc. for every single meal.  Last night I finished off my gorge session with a large sub from Firehouse.  As delicious as it was, I couldn't finish it and was sure I would puke before I was done.  Then, I started having heart palpitations, which were either brought on from all of the caffeine from the gigantic soda I was drinking, or maybe it was caused by my shrieking arteries.  I went to bed to try to calm the tachycardia (hey, I did learn something in Nursing school), and I awoke in the middle of the night sweating and nervous.  I don't know if this is from the horrible diet the past 2 days, the supplements, or the hormone itself, but I hope these issues settle down before I keel over from a heart attack.

Like I said, today is the first actual day of deprivation.  The only thing I've had so far is coffee with sugar free creamer, which is the one cheat I'm allowing myself through this process.  Although I'm not hungry, yet, all I can think about is, "can't eat anything, can't eat anything, can't eat anything, CAN'T EAT ANYTHING!" So, now all I want to do is eat something.

Every day for the next 40 days, I'll have a lean protein, approved veggie, and approved fruit for lunch and dinner with no snacks and no breakfast.  You are allowed to shift a fruit to breakfast if you want, but my coffee usually keeps me pretty full in the morning.  Also, the benefit of being a SAHM with all the kids in school today is that I'm about to go take a nap and sleep until I'm allowed to eat.

Wide Load

Today is day 1 of hcg, which means I get to eat my ass off...or on as the case my be.  They call this a loading day, and I get to do it all over again tomorrow.  Here's why this is a crock: You spend 2 days gorging yourself, so naturally the weight you gain will come flying off when you restrict your calories and guzzle water.  I think it inflates your weight loss numbers.  So, why would I do this?  Why wouldn't I?  I've been eating like this for the past few months anyway, and I'm determined to follow this plan to the letter, since it wasn't exactly cheap.  The only thing that pisses me off worse than not fitting into my clothes is wasting money.

If you're curious, I chose the sublingual pellets, which look like this.

They're really small, and you put one under your tongue and let it dissolve.  I was scared they would be bitter, but they're not.  They're sweet with just a hint of a pregnant woman's urine.  I'm kidding.  You can't taste the urine at all, but know that's where hcg comes from.

I also got the additional supplements that were optional- a daily multivitamin, and adrenal support pill, calcium pyruvate, and colon cleanse, which is appropriately named.  So far, I can say this is the best diet I've ever been on.  I assume after tomorrow, it's all downhill, but hopefully with a big payoff.

How Do You Measure a Year?

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but this is obviously when I get motivated.  The reason I know this is because I was taking my before pics and filing them away in my super secret folder, and I saw pictures I took last year on March 28, 2011.  That was supposed to be the day I gave up my unhealthy habits in exchange for a slimmer, healthier me, and in fact, I did start walk/jogging and even completed a 5k in 42 minutes, which I thought was great for a beginner.  I also happened to snap a photo of the scale that day, and I weighed 13 pounds less then than I do now.  Talk about frustrating.  One of the biggest obstacles for me is letting go of the past.  Rather than measuring time in days, months, and years, I measure it in pounds.  I'm sick of doing that, and focusing on how much I've gained is the most demotivating thing I do to myself.  But as I type this, all I can think about is last year, when I was 13 pounds lighter, I thought that I never wanted to see that number again, and at this point, I'm desperate enough to start a fad diet in order to reach that point and beyond.  And, no, you're not seeing my before pictures until I've lost enough weight to see a substantial difference, so I can at least offset them with progress.

So, this is how this hcg thing works.  I will start taking the pellets tomorrow morning.  I have to drink at least 64 ounces of water, and for the first 2 days, I gorge.  What was that?  That's right- I said gorge.  Apparently you fat load for the first 2 days on this thing, which I'm pretty sure is what the appeal is for all of us fatties.  Whoever heard of starting a diet by eating your ass off?  My husband laughed at me when I told him, so I'm not even going to discuss the ridiculousness of the rest of this diet with him.  You're also not supposed to exercise during the low cal days, which is another bonus for all of us lazy bitches, who did not get in this shape by putting in time at the gym.  The one sticking point for me, aside from the crazy calorie restriction, is the fact that you're not supposed to have soda, even diet.  Diet Dr. Pepper is my life blood, and when I tried to give it up at the new year, I almost died and took my whole family with me.  I was exhausted and moody enough that my husband started leaving bottles around the house for me.  I caved after 2 weeks, and now I'm back up to my 2 liter a day habit.  I was going to ween myself off, but instead I'm slurping down as much of it as I can while I can, so tomorrow is not going to be a good day for me or anyone in my immediate circle.  I do get to eat what I want for 2 days, though, so hopefully that will ease my transition.  Now I'm off to load, which, let's be honest, I've been doing at least since Thanksgiving.

Countdown

In 2 days I will be officially starting the HCG diet.  I ordered the pellets, and they are supposed to be here tomorrow.  I went through an online Dr. prescribed thing, so I could make sure I was getting the prescription real stuff as opposed to the fake stuff.  I also know someone who went through the same company and lost 38 pounds on the first round.  That was enough to convince me.  Supposedly the purpose of the hcg is to keep you from being hungry and to prevent muscle loss, since you're basically doing a crash diet.  Every ounce of reason tells me this is ridiculous, not to mention I've taken nutrition classes and done enough of my own research to know what's healthy and what's not, but then there's the irrational fat girl who is desperate to get back to the normal girl I once was.  At this point, irrationality is triumphing over reason, so I'm starting this thing in the hopes that the next 40 days will jump start my weight loss as well as my motivation to keep going.

Some history: I was always active and fit until college.  Then, I got depressed and started piling on weight.  I started at 120 and finished my collegiate career at around 150.  I got married the following month and put on another 15 pounds BEFORE I got pregnant with my son. I kept 10 pounds from him and got pregnant again, keeping another 10 pounds.  The third time around, I kept another 10 pounds.  While childbirth was not great for my figure, I noticed emotions were obviously a much bigger trigger for weight gain when I got a job working for a hell beast and was miserable for 3 years, gaining another 20 pounds.  I finally quit and went back to school, gaining my college weight all over again.  So, while I won't say exactly where I am, you can do the math.  I need to lose a lot of weight to be healthy and to be able to keep up with my very active children who won't be slowing down any time soon.