Working Girl

Last time I posted, I mentioned a job offer.  I was happy to have it, but it wasn't the best situation, given that my commute would have been 1.5 to 2 hours each way.  Luckily something out there is working in my favor, and I was able to procure a position with none other than my college alma mater. They wanted to move quickly, so I received the offer shortly before Thanksgiving and started this past Monday. So far it's exactly what I need- a laid back environment, nice people, work that's steady but not too stressful.  The best part, and I'm serious when I say that, is the fact that since it's a University, I get 2 weeks off for Christmas. So I'll work the next couple of weeks and then be off again for the holidays, so I'm really getting to ease into this whole going back to work thing.  I am already utterly exhausted, because apparently sitting on your ass all day playing on the internet doesn't prepare you to return to the workforce like you would think.

The hubs also works for the university, so we get  have to carpool.  I dreaded that since I've spent the last few years running around like a chicken with my head cut off in the mornings, getting the kids ready for school while he leisurely awakened, ate breakfast, drank coffee, etc. before finally rolling out the door around 8:00.  Given that I need to be at work at 8, meaning we would all have to get up at 6 to get out the door by 7:15, I pictured being reprimanded by my new boss on day 2 for tardiness.  I have to admit that he has been nothing short of amazing, getting up on time, helping with the kids, and providing a source of entertainment on the drive in.  I can't say we won't kill each other in the future, but for now, all is well in the Seigler household.

Exercising My Right to Vote and My Fat Ass

I don't know if you know this, but there was an election yesterday.  It was kind of a hidden news story.  Anywho, while others were bragging about their 15 minute voting times, the hubs and I were standing in line for 4 hours due to a lack of voting machines. Also many of the ones that we did have in our district were broken. And can we talk about the fact that my state was called while I WAS STILL IN LINE?! Thank God for awesome neighbors who watched the rugrats while we were being proud Americans.

I had walked to the polling place, which happens to be my kids' school, because the parking situation was so bad, and it's only about a mile away.  I figured it would be a good opportunity to get some exercise in, not thinking about the fact that I would be on my feet the next several hours waiting. So, I'm pretty sure I burned about 82,000 calories yesterday, and I probably dropped about 20 pounds.  Luckily that bitch whore scale of mine is still out of commission, so I can continue with my delusion a while longer.

The awesome thing is that while I was in that never ending line, I got a job offer.  I've been interviewing since the kids went back to school, because that healthcare career idea went bust, and now all the kids are in school, so mom needs a life.  Also the money will be nice, so we can enjoy some luxuries like food, clothing, and shelter. I'm very excited and thankful for the opportunity.

I stood in line for 4 hours and all I got was this lousy sticker.  And a job offer.  Oh, yeah, and my guy got re-elected, despite my state being called for the other guy while I WAS STILL IN LINE. (Did I mention that already?)

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

I did it.  I did the RunDead 5k (the run where zombies chase you).  I started and finished it, and there's documentation proving so. I finished 54th out of 423. 27:29 total with a 8:52 pace, and I am obviously completely full of shit.  So how did I do it and have the results verified?  Well my new bestie and I cheated.  Her ankle was hurt, so she was struggling.  I am no runner, as you know, so when she suggested we sneak under the Caution tape that served as a poor barrier in the course, I was all for it.  Little did we know, we were hopping from the first third of the race to the home stretch.  All of a sudden, we saw the finish line, and people were clapping for us and cheering us on.  The best part is that neither of us felt guilty.  It was just for fun, and it's not like we won any awards or anything, so no harm no foul.  I would like to do it again next year for realsies, though.  I did lose all of my flags, but the hubs, Zombie-Dodger Extraordinaire, managed to keep 2 of his. He finished 352nd, if that gives you any indication of how much of a cheater I am.

Me looking sassy and smug before we headed to Charleston.

The hubs and I encountered our first zombie before the race. Sorry about your tigers, bro.

My sister from another mister and me. The best thing about this race, by far, was making a new friend.

I still want to be able to run a 5k non-stop and progress up to some longer races, so I'm starting the training process all over. I had a birthday on the 24th, and I'm determined for it to be the last one in which I'm out of shape.  My goal is to be fit when I hit my 35th birthday.  I have about a year to do this, and now that Halloween is over, and I've devoured a significant portion of my children's candy, I'm ready to get back on the wagon and achieve this goal.  As long as I don't get the flu from one of the rugrats, I'm starting running and eating as cleanly as possible tomorrow. Why tomorrow?  'Cause a girl's gotta binge.  Duh.

Color Me Rad

I did it.  And I didn't half ass it, either. I ran probably about half of it; not all at once, but total, so that counts for something. Plus, I knew the last color station was close to the finish, so I ran from that point on, which was probably a half mile.  It was definitely the furthest I've ever run at once.  That says a lot for adrenaline, because when I run on my own, I can barely run half that.

I started off jogging, but the course started uphill, so that was literally an uphill battle between me and my brain.  I ended up walking most of that part and was disheartened when I thought I was going to have to walk the entire race.  I told the hubs to go on without me, because I knew he wanted to run.  Well, then the course flattened out and started going downhill, so I decided to pick up the pace.  There were a bunch of people walking, so the only pressure I had was from myself, and as we know, she's a big ol' bitch, so she forced me to run every time the course was flat or downhill.  That's how I ended up running a good chunk of it.

I did have to stop completely once, which sucked.  Everything was going well.  I was wogging my way through, more jogging than walking at this point, and then I noticed the course was about to take a turn for the worse.  The entire thing went through areas of the college campus, so I really enjoyed that part, but as we rounded the corner, vivid flashbacks from my times as a student began flooding my brain. I knew I was about to half to conquer the hill on Bull Street which is a 90 degree   hill that you half to walk up in the snow (See picture below). It makes the cardiac hill in my neighborhood look like a walk in the park.  I got halfway up this monstrosity and noticed that everyone...EVERYONE (even the fittest of the fit) was walking oh so slowly up it.  Fatties like me had to take a mini break before we could continue, but I was happy to be in good company and not the only one who had to stop. It was less than a minute before I was on my way again, and in my defense, the last color station was right after we reached the top, so I pretty much ran from that point until the finish.

I have no idea what my time was, because the amazing organizers of the event want it to be fun, so they don't time it.  They also donate a portion to a local charity and chose Happy Wheels, which I thought was an awesome choice.  They're talking about doing an annual event, so if they do, I'm taking the kids next year.  I think they would have a blast.

The hill I had to climb.  Fine, not really, but you get the idea.

 Here's what we looked like at the end:

If you look really close, you can see a turquoise ring around Wesley's eye.  Apparently you need lab safety goggles to do this thing.

 

My sister came up this weekend, too, since I'm going to be an old lady in a few days, and I think she wanted to rub it in.  She did bring some awesome gifts, though, and watched the rugrats so Wesley and I could do the race. 

Awesome gifts.  Yes, that is a Bill Murray coloring book.

She also took me to lunch, and since it was one of my b-day weekends (you get 2 when it falls in the middle of the week), I gorged myself silly.  I have been so good lately, so my body isn't used to that shit anymore.  I spent a majority of the weekend gassy, bloated, nauseous, and in pain.  It was not pleasant, and I realized I really do not miss junk food at all.  I did test my little theory this morning with leftover pizza and am now paying the price AGAIN.  So, I'm done.  I'm not advocating any kind of restrictive diet, because I think it's too hard to stick to something like that, and you end up binging yourself silly, but I have learned that my body definitely works better on a lower carb, less processed food diet.  I think it's true for everyone, although I think I'm more affected by carbs than most people.  Even whole grain pasta, rice, and bread make me feel tired and sluggish, so they're off the menu for now.  I do tolerate potatoes, though (thank Jebus!), so they're staying in.

Because I have too much time on my hands, I created this tribute video to foods that I once loved but now am cutting completely from my diet.  I ate most of them this weekend, and they were not nice to me.  So good riddance old pals.

The 5K Races, Yeah About Those...

I'm very close to faking a knee injury, because I haven't done jack diddly shit in the past couple of weeks.  Well, until yesterday.  The kids and I did a charity walk in Charlotte, and there were 3 different distance options, but I have no idea which route we took.  We were with other folks, and I let them lead the way.  In my mind, it was a 5k, because then I don't feel so inadequate.

This morning, I was all motivated and what not, so I went for a wog.  I had the longest running distance ever (all down hill mind you, but still).  The problem was when I switched back to walking, I never could get my running groove back.  I think I'm going to try somewhere flatter tomorrow to see what I can really do, because I am beyond stressed about the next 2 5ks.  They're supposed to be fun, which is why I signed up for them, but coming in dead last isn't my idea of a good time.  The Color Me Rad is Saturday, so I'm using it as a warm up to the RunDead, since people will be chasing me in that one.  Luckily the hubs will be with me at both, although he has informed me that he will be leaving me in the dust at the zombie run, so my plans to trip him will have to be altered.

***I was in the middle of typing this when my neighbor knocked on my door.  We had plans to run together this morning, but I apparently got the time mixed up.  I went at 9:30 and did 2 miles, so when she rang the doorbell at 10:30, I went pale.  But I sucked it up and went with her and her husband's cousin, who is about 11 feet tall with a 24 inch waist.  When I was about to die and had to walk while they continued jogging, he spouted off helpful tips like, "Don't stop. You just need to get control of your breathing. At least do a brisk walk, so you can keep your heart rate up." He obviously has no idea that fat people can do a lot less work to keep their heart rates up, since our hearts are struggling enough to begin with.  I would have punched him, but he was moving too fast, and I was dying.    Regardless, I did jog a bit with them and added another mile to my total, making it a full 5k for me today, albeit not all at once. It's progress people.

Pinadequate Halloween Village

So, this one was actually a success, if I do say so myself.  I found this little project on Pinterest.  It was cheap and easy, so even a craft failure like me could handle it. 

Their village

And Mine

Did you know the Dollar Tree sells Christmas Villages? Well, they do, and you should buy one ASAP, because it's enough to do 2 different projects.  

See what I mean?  That's a lot of pieces.

I split it in half and chose the pieces I thought would look the creepiest painted black.  I'm saving the other half for Christmas.

I used some kind of black car spray paint that I got from Ollie's, but I'm sure you can use any kind.

The link above is right about the figurine faces.  They're dollar store quality, which means they're super scary looking already, so I covered them with my kids' Play Doh (shhh!), and spray painted around the faces.

First coat of paint. Nice and shiny.

Got the brilliant idea to cover that with Glow in the Dark spray paint, which dulled the finish and honestly didn't add the cool effect I was hoping for.  I would probably skip this part in the future.

Since I didn't have glitter paint, I again raided my kids' stuff and found their glitter glue.  The link says to highlight with the glitter paint, but why would you only highlight with sparkles, when you can make the whole thing shine? I had a bunch of different colors, and I think they turned out pretty.

Check out the spooky faces on the figures. 

Here's the full mantle, 90% supplied by the Dollar Tree.  The village is on the left, and the tombstones I also got from there are on the right.

Here's the village lit up, but it was still daylight, so it doesn't look very cool.  I also determined I need more lights, because even at night, you can't see very much.  

I was playing around in my closet with one of the black lights and 2 of the houses, and after seeing awesome glowing purple sparkles, I have determined that I need a string of black lights for the mantle.

So, overall a Winterest for me.  The fail came in when I decided to spray paint inside the house.  I used a plastic table cloth and was super careful not to get paint anywhere on the carpet, walls, etc. Where I was stupid was when I elected not to open windows or doors, so the fumes were apparently overwhelming when the fam came home.  I got a nice lecture from the spouse regarding toxic fumes blah blah blah.  He is an authority on the subject, as I was reminded, since he is an Environmental Health Manager for a University.

Ok, stupid, but here's why I spray painted inside. Have you guys seen The Vampire Diaries?  I know I'm late to the party on this one, but I am a Buffy loyalist, and I felt that this was probably a high school bullshit vampire drama that could only pale in comparison, but after I finished watching the whole Buffy series on Netflix (again!), I needed something else to watch. On my sister's recommendation, I gave it a shot, and now I'm hooked.  Anywho, I thought I could do my artsy fartsy stuff while getting my Damon on, which was apparently not the best decision.  I did finish the first season, though, so a productive day all in all.

Spoke Too Soon

You know how you don't hear from a heroin addict for a week, and it turns out he's holed up in some crack house, OD'ing and seeing dead babies on the ceiling?  Well that's where I was for the past week- drunk on Diet Dr. Pepper and high on carbs.  So I guess I lied last week when I said I was getting back on it then.  I'm really doing it....starting now.

I did wog today, but I didn't do the couch to 5K workout.  That program is terrific for people who are in better shape than I am, but it progressed too quickly for me.  Instead, today, I walked to the front of the neighborhood, which was mostly uphill, so when I got to the end, I turned around and jogged downhill as far as I could.  I continued in a similar pattern, jogging whenever I could downhill.  I realized that the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to complete the entire workout for the 3rd week of C25K was enough to deter me from even trying it. It's counterintuitive, I realize, since you can never do something if you don't try, so I just adjusted my routine to accommodate my current fitness level.  I also started using the RunKeeper  app because I have app ADD. I'm like a boy with video games.  I need constant change to stay motivated and stimulated.

I don't even know what my whore scale has to say about my indiscretions.  I'll deal with her on Friday.

My Body is a Wonderland

But not in that sexy John Mayer way. More in the defying mathematics way.  As in I haven't exercised in 4 days, and I've eaten poorly, so I gained 5 pounds.  Let me break that down for you.  Each pound is 3500 calories, and according to this calculator, I can eat 2945 calories per day and maintain my weight.  Now, I know I wasn't tracking each morsel like I should have the past few days, but I did account for enough that I know that there's no way in hell I've consumed 17,500 calories over the last 4 days PLUS 2945 each day.  I aim for 1200-1500 calories a day, and realistically, even when I wasn't eating well, I don't think I even topped 3000. I should have stayed the same at least.  So yesterday I was so super good, limiting myself to about 1300 calories and less than 100 carbs, and I gained .2 pounds. Effffff!

In the past, all of this would have driven me to binge for weeks months, and I would have probably just decided to eat my ass off since all of the holidays are coming up anyway, and then I would do that whole New Year's resolution "I'm really going to do it this time" bullshit, but I'm not.  This is the time I'm going to do it.  It's just a setback not the end of the world, and I've already established that my scale is a whore, so I don't trust what she says anyway.  Also, I have 2 runs coming up, one of which involves me being chased by other people, so I have 6 weeks to prepare for that.  I think that's enough time to make significant strides in my fitness level.

Better Day

I was in a raunchy mood yesterday, I guess, because I feel much better today.  I went out for a wog, and I did the best I have all week.  I still wasn't able to jog the full 1.5 minute intervals, but I at least attempted each one and finished most of them.  My overall time was faster, and my distance was a bit farther.

I looked ahead, and week 3 is a routine of jog 1.5 minutes, walk 1.5 minutes, jog 3 minutes, and walk 3 minutes.  You do that twice along with a 5 minute warm up and cool down.  I'm not sure about those 3 minute jogs, but I think I'll try wogging around a track (flat) as opposed to my hilly 'hood.

Part of the reason for my improved mood is that I've hit a milestone of sorts with my weight loss.  I'm finally out of the 220's and back in the 2 teens.  I was stuck at the same weight for about 3 weeks, so I decided to cut carbs at night.  I'm staunchly opposed to depriving myself of any food group, because I've tried failed at deprivation diets far too many times, but my body always responds positively to limiting carbs.  I started doing it a few days ago, and the weight immediately dropped.  I've been steady for a few days, so I feel like it's not water fluctuation at this point, and I can tout my achievement.

I've been eating stuff like this for dinner:

See how super cheesy it is???  Delicious.  It's thin-sliced zucchini topped with marinara, shredded mozzarella, and pepperoni.  I got this idea on Pinterest natch, but they used low fat cheese and turkey pepperoni.  Maybe next time...

Oh, and I've learned that the best songs to listen to while working out are the most ridiculous ones you can find.  Think super cheesy ("Call Me Maybe") or this little gem that I had forgotten about and recently rediscovered:

This is the song with the lyrics, which I highly suggest you read if you need a good laugh. R Kelly is a real Poet Laureate fo' sho yo!

Even better- Young the Giant remixxed the remix.  Enjoy.

C25K Week 2

I'm not gonna lie.  Week 2 has been a bust so far.  I have gone out every other day like I'm supposed to, but these workouts are 10 minutes longer (31 minutes vs. 20 minutes), and the jogging portions are longer (1.5 minutes vs. 1 minute).  I know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but to someone so massively out of shape as I am, it is apparently.  I have not completed one workout so far this week without having to walk during some of the jogging portions. I have completed them, though...well, except for today.

Today is supposed to be day 3 of week 2 for me.  I decided to try running around my backyard for a few reasons: 1. I'm sick of running up cardiac hill.  It kills me every time. 2. I'm less self conscious, because there are no cars driving by or people walking their dogs or maintenance men who look like they're about to call 911 to come pick up the fat chick having a heart attack because she has no business running. And 3. The zombie run is a trail run, so I thought I would get some good practice running on grass and dodging dog poop and the kids' toys.

This was a mistake, because my backyard IS a fucking hill.  Yeah, it's not as steep as cardiac hill, but the entire time I was either going up or down an incline.  Also, my yard is as lumpy as my thighs, so my ankles, knees, and thighs were hitting at all sorts of weird angles.  This lead to me utilizing a whole bunch of muscles I didn't know existed and am now painfully aware of. And the worst part of all- it's really easy to quit when you're in your backyard as opposed to the opposite end of the neighborhood, where you have no choice but to walk back.  So, I lasted for 10 minutes before I quit.  My legs hurt, and my earbuds kept falling out, which I took as a sign from the universe to just call it a day and try again tomorrow.  I've also recently become reacquainted with my shin splints and cramps, which I did not suffer from at all the first week.

I know I sound like a big ol' whiny bitch today, and I own that.  I am being a total baby.  I hate running with a fiery passion, and I feel like it's important to put this out there, because one day I will love it.  I'm determined to become one of those obnoxious cunts who drones on about the benefits of running and runners' highs and my first half marathon- all that shit.  And when I finally get there, because I WILL, I want other people to look back on this and realize they can do it, too, even if they're out of shape and hate exercising.

Also, Hey Fat Girl, read this if you need some more motivation.

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU headache!

I have a headache.  I know that's not big news or anything, but it started when we were on vacation 2 weeks ago and has rarely given me any relief since.  Some days (today) are worse than others.  I'm pretty sure it's a big, bad tension headache, because I'm getting the kids adjusted to school, starting Fall classes myself, and desperately trying to find a job so we don't all starve in December when the Financial Aid runs out.  Unfortunately, my stress usually manifests itself physically either with explosive diarrhea or tension headaches.  This time my body chose headaches that cannot be cured with drugs.  I've tried everything- Excedrin Tension, Aleve, Ibuprofen, and for good measure, Allegra, in case it's allergy related.  Nothing is working.  So, I showed my body.  I just took a cocktail comprised of all of the above.  I'm really just writing this in the event that I die while drowning in my own toilet vomit, so my sister can notify the authorities and my hubs of what occurred.

Also, I should confess that due to the headache/exhaustion, I skipped my C25K workout today.  I can still pick it up tomorrow and stay on schedule, but I feel extremely guilty about it.  That counts for something, right?

It's uncanny how much this resembles me currently.

C25K Week 1 Day 3 and a Pinadequacy

I did it, bitches!  I made it through week one.  And not even half-assedly.  I mean I jogged ever time that bitch told me to and didn't stop until she seductively whispered "walk" into my ear.  I'm extra proud today, because not even halfway through, I got a cramp, and oh God, did it hurt.  The thing I noticed, though, is that I had more relief when I was jogging than when I was walking.  I tried the deep breathing lamaze shit, and that was a bust.  Basically I just had to slow down, and it eventually went away.  Every other time I've gotten a cramp, I've just flat out quit jogging and dragged my sorry ass home.  Not today, though.  I really think this program speaks to my inner submissive, because I truly just do whatever she tells me, no questions asked.  Even when one part of my brain says "I'm a grown ass woman, and I do what I want," as soon as she says "jog", it's knees to chest like a reflex.  Ok, maybe not knees to chest, but it's a jog of some sort.

I also was punishing myself a bit today, because I had next to no water yesterday, and then I had Hibachi vegetables (not so bad) with fried rice (bad), and about a gallon of shrimp sauce/aka yum yum sauce/this shit.  And to top it off, I finished the day with one of these.  Yes, I ate the whole thing.  It was over 600 calories, and it was delicious.  I'm back on it today, having a boiled egg and cherries for breakfast and steadily sipping water to replenish the waterfalls that dripped from my face and into my eyeballs. This brings me to my Pinadequacy.  Yesterday I did the bake eggs in the oven instead of boiling them thing, and it was fantabulous.  Basically you put the eggs in a muffin tin and bake them at 325 for 25-30 minutes.  I did mine for 30 minutes, because I don't care if the yolk is yellow or gray.  It tastes the same to me.  I can report that they are easier to peel, which is a good thing, because I can't tell you how many times I've lost half my egg due to it being stuck to the shell.

I have no idea who took this pic, because the blog is gone now, but it isn't mine, so suck it Copyright laws.

I also saw this on Pinterest this morning. 

Yeah, but it sure does burn the shit out of your eyeballs, impeding your vision, and possibly causing you to stumble in front of oncoming traffic.  I'm just sayin'.

C25K Day 2

I went a different way around my 'hood today, so I was able to avoid running most hills this time.  I still had to run what I affectionately call "cardiac hill", but that damn thing just has bad placement, and it's a long one, so I can't avoid having to jog some portion of it.  There was a point in which I didn't think I could jog anymore, but I pushed through since I was going downhill, and that happened to be the last jog cycle, so I was home free after that.  I'm proud to say that I cut a full minute per mile off my time today, so I was wogging a 15:36 mile today.

Playlist song that got me going:

Song that prevented me from quitting:

Couch to 5K Day 1 and Some Apps You Need

I was in a much better mind frame today, so I started the Couch to 5K program today.  I'm proud to say that I survived, and the only 2 times I stopped during the jogging portions were when my mom called and when she texted me.  I have this app on my phone (GET IT).  It's amazing, because it automatically takes the songs from your phone and plays them while you're doing the program, or you can create your own playlist just for working out. It tells you when to walk and when to jog and tells you when you're halfway through.  There's also a built in GPS, so you know how far you've gone, and it tells you your average pace (16:33 today, which is good for me).

As much as I'm raving about the app, I do feel that I must warn you that she's a sadistic twat.  And by that, I mean that as soon as you're about to go uphill, you can bet that bitch is about to say "jog".  Maybe I just have unfortunate locations for hills in my neighborhood, but I do find it odd that there's a GPS built into this thing, and it happened Every. Single. Fucking. Time.  I got this really weird stomach pain at the end, so I thought I was going to have to sue Active.com for a moment after I recovered from my heart attack, but then it went away during my cool down.

The other app I have that's uhhhhmazing is Double Twist. You see, I have a shitty Droid.  I hate my phone, but I can't get a new one until January next year, so I'm stuck with it.  I won't go into all of the issues it has, but I will be getting an Iphone next.  In the meantime, I have an Ipod shuffle, which you can't put apps on (duh).  I downloaded the C25K app to my phone, and I wanted my super fantastic workout playlist to go with it, but you can't get Itunes on the Droid.  The awesome people at Double Twist have fixed this situation so that you can create an online account and download the app to your phone, so they can sync with one another.  Voila, your Itunes music is now on your shitty non-Iphone.

Oh, and since I'm mentioning apps, I'm going to plug My Fitness Pal again, because that's the one that really keeps me on track. Full disclosure- I didn't use it at all yesterday.  I was in mourning, suffering from a break up with my baby, and I refused to be bothered with health guilt when I was already overwhelmed with parenting guilt.

So, I'm one day closer to being able to run a full 5K, which means I'm closer to being able to outrun the zombies.

Motivation and Self Sabotage

I got back from vacation and had only gained a pound.  I was hoping to lose weight that week, since we were super active, but I wasn't on my best behavior diet-wise.  A 1 pound gain is a miracle compared to my past vacations, which are usually the beginning of the end of whatever plan I'm on at the moment. This time, I kept my binging to a minimum and my activity level pretty constant, so I basically stayed the same.  I was right back on plan this week and had good intentions of starting my couch to 5K program, but then school started.  You can read about the emotional breakdown I'm having today due to the fact that my baby is starting preschool, but let me sum it up by saying that I'm sitting here with a loaf of sourdough bread on one side and a squeeze bottle of mayo in the other.  Today is bust, but after bawling last night and this morning, I am giving myself a pass.  I know emotional eating is an awful thing to do, and it's the root cause of my current weight issue, but I feel that beating myself up and stressing myself out over my diet/exercise regime is the opposite of what I need to do today.  Instead, I'm going to lay off myself for today only and get back on it tomorrow.

And how can I trust myself to stick to this plan to get my ass moving?  I signed up for not one but two 5k races.  The first is Color Me Rad, where you run in white clothes, and as you pass different stations, people throw colored powder at you.  I think it's cornstarch, or something harmless, not anthrax or cocaine, although that could help my speed...Anyway I had read about it before, so when I saw they were doing one locally around my birthday, I had to sign up.  It sounds like a lot of fun and not very stressful, so in order to give myself that extra bit of ass kicking, I signed up for the Rundead 5K in Charleston the weekend after my birthday, which happens to be the weekend before Halloween.  It's a run with obstacles.  Oh, and zombies chase you.  Basically, the runners start running, and then 5 minutes later, people dressed as zombies start running after you, and their goal is to get the 3 flags you'll be wearing.  Apparently if they get all 3, you have to finish the run, and then you can become a zombie and chase the other runners.  I think you get a prize if you keep at least one flag.  I plan to put one in between my boobs, because no one will be able to pry that sucker out.  I'm dragging the hubs to this one with me.  I figure we can make a weekend out of it and celebrate my b-day/Halloween in style without the kiddos.

Here's some extra motivation, in case zombies chasing me wasn't enough.  The hubs played photographer at my Aunt's B-day/Family Reunion event last weekend, and he got some glorious shots of me.  I think this one is my fave:

I'm the sexy lady in the black dress.  This picture will be used in the divorce hearing. 

This is my sister, my cousin, and me all looking at something interesting apparently.  Regardless, it's not a flattering shot of any of us, especially me. (Sorry, Kath.)

This one I can live with, except for the fourteen chins I'm sporting.  My cousin is in the middle, and I'm pretty sure if I lost 100 pounds, that's what I would look like.  My sister is on the other side and has lost a ton of weight herself.  I'm so proud of her and hope to join her in the regular sizes as soon as possible.

Weekly Pinadequacy

On my other blog, I've already shown some of my ideas that I've stolen from Pinterest, and since I love it so much, I figured I'll start doing weekly posts with things I've tried and the disastrous results that ensue.  This is mostly for my sister's benefit, since she's basically the only one that reads this.

The reason I'm calling it a "Pinadequacy" is because I suck at all things creative, yet I still insist on trying.  I have done one thing that I'm pretty proud of, and it wasn't even Pinterest-inspired. When we were redoing my 3-year-old's room, I was trying to decide on artwork for her walls.  I came across a picture of a toddler's room in which the parents had hired a professional photographer to take pictures of the little girl's favorite toys, and they were hung in black frames around the room.  Well, I thought it was ridiculous to pay a pro to take pictures of some ratty old stuffed animals, but I loved the idea of the artwork being so personal, so I threw a white sheet over some chairs, borrowed my middle child's flexible lamp for lighting, and got in touch with my inner Annie Leibovitz.  I also repainted her dresser, which was mint green with pastel knobs, to a bright white with what can only be described as Reese's Pieces-colored knobs.

Everything else I've done is usually sub-par.  My edible creations are famous for being tasty, yet butt ugly.  I do love to cook, though, so a lot of my attempts at creativity tend to be food- related.  This week is no exception.

On Fridays I usually like to make something fun and easy for the kids, which they will inevitably turn their noses up at and end up eating Pop Tarts instead.  I tried to stay one step ahead today by cooking Brinner (breakfast for dinner, for you non-foodies), but with a Pinterest spin.  I ended up making these, which had about 80 calories a piece before the toppings (bacon, sausage, and chocolate chips), so really not bad, if you limit yourself to a few.

This is what mine looked like:

Ugly, right?  But so damned delicious.  I need to employ Photoshop or something I guess, because my food always looks so nasty when photographed.  Anyway, the rugrats ate them pretty well, so in my mind it was a success.  Below is the recipe I used:

3 Cups Bisquick Pancake Mix

2 Cups 2% Milk

1.5 Cups Sugar Free Syrup

Toppings (Bacon, Sausage, Chocolate Chips, Fruit, etc)

Mix the pancake mix, milk, and syrup and spoon into greased muffin tins.  Top with whatever you choose.  I cooked the bacon and browned the sausage ahead of time.  Bake mix with toppings in oven at 350 degrees for 12-14 minutes.  This makes 24 full-sized muffins, because I wanted to have enough left over for breakfast tomorrow.  

The next thing I tried was this.  Except, not really, because I love my International Delights Sugar Free Vanilla sooo much that I didn't bother with skim milk and vanilla extract.  I just blended my frozen coffee, the creamer, and a teaspoon of Splenda.  It's exactly what I drink every morning, because my morning coffee is literally a third creamer and two thirds coffee, so it tastes like a damned dessert anyway.  I just decided to freeze it tonight.  Oh, and I topped it with Sugar- Free Reddi Wip, which only has 5 calories for 2 Tablespoons.  My entire coffee dessert was less than 200 calories, so suck it Starbucks.  Here's a little tip in case you try it- freeze your coffee in little ice cubes.  I froze it in a plastic container, and it didn't freeze evenly.  Some was still liquid, and some was a chunk of ice that my blender just couldn't crush.  It is a shitty blender, though, but still.  I will try the cubes next time.

Advice From a Future Former Fatty

It's been 6 weeks since I began embarking on this latest weight loss journey, and I'm proud to say I've dropped about 14 pounds so far.  I say "about" because the number keeps changing, mostly due to several factors that I've had to accept about my body.  In order to keep the scale on the downward slope, I must do the following:

1. Exercise every day.  And by exercise, I mean spend at least an hour at the pool with the kids AND walk for 30 minutes each night.  When I don't, I gain weight.

2. Maintain around 1200 calories per day.  I have found that I can eat ANYTHING I want, as long as I stick within the 1200- possible 1350 range.  1350 is only if I have a good day, exercise-wise.  If not, then 1200 is where I need to stay to continue losing.

3. Drink some water.  I CAN have my precious Diet Dr. Pepper every single day, but I need to limit it to one at lunch and one at dinner and have water the rest of the day.  I can even flavor my water with that MiO stuff (which is delicious, by the way), and I don't have any of the hunger I get with my soda.  I think it's because Mio is caffeine free, and it's sweetened with sucralose instead of aspartame.  I think aspartame has an adverse effect on me when I drink too much (excessive hunger, irritability, fatigue, etc.), and it's a shame I've only recently figured this out, because I've spent years (YEARS, people!) being a tired, grumpy bitch.  I thought I had mono for, like, 20 years, and it turns out I was just dehydrated.  (Side note: I seriously never used to sweat, and now that I drink hydrating fluids, I sweat like a pig.  I always just thought I was blessed.  Turns out, I was probably one step away from kidney failure).

4. Accept that I will have setbacks.  I will definitely come off of my health plan every single month, without fail.  And, I'm pretty sure you can guess when that is.  Every other time I've tried to adopt a healthier lifestyle, I get derailed by this female issue, and it takes me months to gain back the motivation and determination to start over.  And by that time, I've usually added 10+ pounds and compounded the issue.  The difference is, this time, I'm trying to manage my indiscretions within my calorie restraints, except for one day in which I just didn't.  My Fitness Pal has truly been a godsend with this.

5. Know that the scale is not the only measure of success.  The scale is a whore.  The numbers don't change much for me.  I'm not one of those people who can drop a shitload of weight over a few months.  It takes F-O-R-E-V-E-R for me to drop a few pounds, and usually I gain and lose the same 3 pounds for weeks before they come off permanently, and then I'm on to the next 3.  This has been the hardest fact for me to accept, and this is usually the final straw for me when deciding I'd rather be a fat girl who gets to eat delicious, heart-stopping, fat-laden foods versus a miserable, skinny bitch who gets no enjoyment from food whatsoever.  Two things are different for me this time.  I have actually stuck to this thing long enough to realize that even though the scale isn't moving, the inches are, because my clothes are fitting much better.  Also, I can budget my calories to allow myself to continue to eat what I want, but I just have to eat less of it.  This guy preaches the counting calories method.  I've been reading him for a while now, all the while trying every fad diet I could in order to drop pounds more quickly, but that shit simply doesn't work for me.  He hit the nail on the head.  He is a guy, though, and he works out more than I do, so he can eat 1800-2000 cals a day and still lose.  I really have to stay at 1200.  One day I'll join a real gym, though, and hopefully be able to increase my intake.

6. Track everything. I mean it.  Every goddamn morsel.  Every jumping jack.  Everything.  I mentioned it a minute ago, but My Fitness Pal is the one change I made this time around, and it's working.  AND IT'S FREE!  I have it on my Kindle Fire, my phone, and my computer, so I am always near something that will allow me to track every single thing I'm putting in or doing to my body.  The reason I love it so much is because it's so easy.  Everything is already in their system.  You just point, click, and add.  I used to use Sparkpeople, which is also free, but I like MFP better.  It's stripped down and very user friendly.  I highly suggest Sparkpeople as well, though, because it's also free, and it has tons of great articles and motivational stories.  I just feel like that one takes more time and effort to navigate, but I do read their tips and stories. The bottom line is whether it's pen and paper, a spreadsheet, or a website, hold yourself accountable.

7. Create an achievable goal in a specific time frame, and tell people about it.  Example, I am doing this run the Saturday before my birthday.  I did a 5k last year, and I felt so accomplished when I finished.  I wasn't the fastest, for sure, but I wasn't the slowest, either.  I also hadn't been training that long before I did it, so I'm hoping the longer training period will allow me to finish with a faster time and perhaps jog a good portion of it.  I have signed up for races before and not even shown up for them, so I've actually told people about this one, so I have to be there.

That's all I have for now, but I think it's pretty solid advice.  I hope to look back on this post in 6 months and still be following my own recommendations.  Ideally I'll be several sizes and pounds down and in a much healthier state.  And, by then I should have some before and after pictures that show a sizable difference instead of  a "well if I turn the picture sideways and squint a lot, it looks like my left pinky toe is slimmer" photo.

PMS Crunch

I did a movie night for my kids last night, and I made a movie themed dinner, complete with hotdogs, nachos, and a little concoction I found on Allrecipes called Movie Theater Floor. I originally posted about this on my blog about my kids, but since this one is all about me being a fatty, I think it's appropriate to discuss the foods that help keep me in this condition.

I've renamed this concoction PMS Crunch, because the sweet/salty/chocolate combo is the tits at that time of the month.  Trust me, you'll want to use my recipe instead of the Allrecipes one, because that one calls for jelly beans, and some other nut bag put in Red Hots.

PMS Crunch

Ingredients:
1 Bag of microwave popcorn (or about 3.5-4 cups of already popped)
1/2 Bag of Fritos
5-6 oz of nuts
3 Movie boxes of various candies (I used M&Ms, Reese's Pieces, and Butterfinger Bites- don't try to deviate from this awesome combo)
7 oz of candy corn ( I honestly hate this shit, but I could barely taste it, so you might as well include it.)
12 oz bag of white chocolate chips

Pop the popcorn (duh).  Make sure you get all the kernels out that didn't pop, so no one cracks a tooth.  Or, just buy the pre-popped bag of popcorn, so you don't have to worry about that.  Then mix it in a big bowl with the fritos, the nuts, the awesome candy, and the disgusting candy corn.  Melt the white chocolate very carefully, because if you don't, that shit will separate and be useless.  Put the whole package in a bowl and microwave for 30 seconds.  Take it out and stir.  Microwave again, and stir some more.  At this point, mine was melted.  I highly suggest that you stir for a while because the heat from the bowl will continue to melt it.  Once it's liquid, poor it over the popcorn/frito/candy mixture and stir, stir, stir.  You will have carpal tunnel and/or hand cramps by the time it's sufficiently mixed.  You're supposed to let it cool, but I say go ahead and have a sneak taste of it.  Oh, and it's really the Fritos that make the dish, so definitely don't forget them.


Here's what it looks like:

I know it doesn't look extra delicious, and the Food Lion popcorn I used is pretty wimpy looking, but seriously y'all, scrumptiousity!

Look Ma, No Duckface

This is what I spent my morning doing:

I colored my hair blonde, I styled it, I put on makeup, and then I took pictures like a self-obsessed teenager.  It took about 800 to even get this decent one due to my previously unnoticed lazy eye and crooked lips.  I guess I had a stroke that I didn't know about.  And, since this one is all fuzzy from the Instagram Hudson filter, you can't see my uneven skin tone, and my double chin is pretty well concealed.  All in all it's probably one of the best pics of me in years.  Notice there's no body shot.  Which brings me to this oldie but goody:

Obsession...It's Not Just a Cologne

Back in 1984, a little movie called Ghostbusters came out, and my Bill Murray obsession was born.  I'm sure there are some daddy issues wrapped up in it, since my dad died from cancer that year, but it's 28 years later, and my feelings still hold true.  It's a quirky crush, I admit, but you can't tell me that Bill Murray isn't one of the most amazing people on the planet.  Every fucking word in this sentence is a different link to his awesomeness, and I suggest you read them all. The last one is a link to a new coloring book that I must have (hint hint Kathleen).

Anywho, I knew that he had a home in Charleston and is co-owner of their baseball team, so I thought about dragging the hubs around for an obsession-fueled stalking adventure when we go to the beach next month.  I was Googling some things to prepare for our journey, and I discovered that the baseball team hosts an annual "get your fat ass kids off their fat asses" celebrity softball tournament, which is being held the Saturday before we go to the beach.  Luckily, Charleston is only an hour and a half away, so I am not opposed to making back to back trips to the coast in the hopes that my soul mate may be there, and I will possibly be able to capture him in a photograph, or better yet, have him take one with me.  I've purchased tickets for the whole fam under the guise that I'm bringing my kids to get them off their asses, but I will ditch those little punks in a minute if Bill Murray even coughs in my direction.  I'm sure with my luck he won't even be there, but $16 a ticket was a price I was willing to pay in the off chance that he will show.  He did last year.

Since this event is a little over 3 weeks away, I am definitely on crunch time to look the best I can.  So, I have stopped eating immediately and will resume again on August 5th.  I will subsist on water, dust, and air, and maybe have a little granola bar or something that morning, so I don't pass out with all the excitement.  And, who knows, maybe I'll end up with my own drunk karaoke dishwashing story to tell at cocktail parties.

Really Dedicated or Mentally Impaired

Based on how my knees felt after my walk this morning, I'm going with the latter.  It's been several days since I've been swimming (my normal mode of exercise), since my son split his arm open, preventing him, meaning us, from being able to go to the pool.  I felt an emotion that I've experienced a hundred times, usually after I've hurled obscenities at my children or downed an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Red Velvet Cake ice cream in one sitting, but never...NEVER...in relation to exercise.  The tides are turning children.  Pigs are flying and it's raining toads, because I actually felt guilty that I had not exercised in several days, except for the spectacle I displayed on Saturday evening, which totally counts, based on the bucket of sweat that poured from my body.  Anywho, I guilted myself into walking this morning, despite the fact that my knees have still not totally recovered.  They hurt a bit at first, but then they went numb, which I assumed was a good thing.  20 minutes later, the feeling returned, and the throbbing started, but I was so far into the walk it didn't matter.  I still had to make it home.  So, I hobbled down the street House-style and limped up the stairs.  They're recovering now, though, and unless my kneecap shoots out of my body at some point, I plan to keep doing this, since I think the fundamental issue with dancing was that my knees weren't strong enough to support my weight.

While my knees were burning, it dawned on me that I didn't look like Elaine at all on Saturday.  I can't believe I forgot about this, but this is for sure a much better comparison:

Also, for anyone who cares, this is the BEST workout song ever.  It's probably about getting stoned or smashed or something, but every time it plays on my Ipod, I can't help but kick it up.

Dancing Queen

On Saturday, for a while I forgot that I'm a chunky 33-year-old mother of three, and dropped it like it's hot at a club with my neighbor.  It's been a long, long, LONG time since I shook my money maker, and that was many pounds ago.  Despite this fact, I got all dolled up in a borderline-slutty new outfit and put my inhibitions in the closet for the evening and really enjoyed myself.  So much so, that I didn't feel my knees screaming for me to stop.  I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point, all of my killer moves did enough damage to my knees that I could barely even walk yesterday.  I consulted my at home physician (WebMd), and concluded I had given myself Patellofamoral Pain Syndrome, commonly known as "runner's knee".  This is especially hilarious, given the fact that I can't even run a 10th of a mile without having an asthma attack. I'm better today, but my ego is seriously wounded at being reminded that I'm neither as young or as thin as I used to be.  All the more reason to continue working towards getting in shape.

How I think I looked:

How I really looked: 

28 Days Later...

Not the movie, although I do feel like a zombie today.  I'm talking about my progress after being on the "medically supervised" plan for the past 4 weeks.  The good news: I've lost about 10 or 11 pounds.  The bad news: this place was a total rip off.  Anything I've done is due to my own determination and perseverance.  In fact, I stopped going to them a week ago, not even finishing the 4 week plan I paid for.  Following is a breakdown of what was promised and what I actually received:

The deal was for a 4-week medically supervised weight loss plan for 89$.  I was supposed to have bloodwork, and EKG, supplements, weekly B-12 shots and appointments with a physician every week to monitor my progress.  What I got was some old lady named "Skeet" (I am not making this shit up.  For shits and giggles, this is the Urban Dictionary definition of the word) who decided that based on my answers to the medical profile, I did not need the blood work or EKG to be done.  I surmised over our visits together that the real reason we skipped the formalities was that she was not a qualified medical professional and was squeamish, in fact, when it came to medical procedures.  This would later explain why I never received a B-12 shot.  Instead, I was given a weekly B-12 pill, which was delicious incidentally, and I found the identical supplement here.  I ordered them and have been taking them daily, as suggested on the bottle.  I'm pretty sure the reason for the shots is that they are more potent and last longer, but Skeet assured me that I should only take 1 of their B-12 pills a week, which I imagine was more out of concern for their overhead than my possible B-12 overdose.  I received a weekly package of vitamins to take, which I compared to my daily multivitamin, and they were practically identical.

At each visit, which lasted about 5 minutes a piece, I was given my packet of vitamins, weighed, and highly encouraged to purchase their nutritional supplements, which were not included in the 89$ I shelled out.  Keep in mind the 89$ was a Living Social deal.  The actual monthly cost for this place is $199.  So, like a moron, I paid extra for the protein drinks and puddings, which were actually pretty tasty.  I also happened to later find very similar ones on their competitor's website for about half the price.

So to summarize, I paid 89$ (regular price 199$) for a weekly B-12 pill that should have been taken daily, 4 weeks of a daily multivitamin, and weigh-ins with a lady named after a vulgar term for the rhythm method.  I never once saw a doctor, despite the fact that the term "Physician" is in the name of the organization, and according to their corporate website, a doctor is supposed to be staffed at each location.  I also paid for Lady Pull Out to harass me at every visit to purchase their fish oil because mine was sub-par, and get more supplements, and sign up for their 4 month plan, which was only $325 as long as I did it by a certain date.  I had to start telling that bitch that I'd left my debit card at home.  She even had the audacity to call me on the last day of the 325$ "special" to try to get me to come in.  I haven't been back since, and that's the last I heard from them.

In short, it's a big ol' scam.  I thought I would be receiving counseling from a real physician as well as having accountability with the weigh-ins, but their aggressive sales techniques and false promises just furthered my realization that I'm responsible for my own decisions.  I'm the only person I have to answer to, so I've continued to eat well and exercise, except for the past 2 days in which I've felt like donkey shit.  I'm back on track today, though, eating healthy and intend to go swimming with the kids later.  Oh, and I've been using this to track everything I've been doing.  It's the easiest tracker I've come across, and it's totally free, so I highly recommend it.