Color Me Rad

I did it.  And I didn't half ass it, either. I ran probably about half of it; not all at once, but total, so that counts for something. Plus, I knew the last color station was close to the finish, so I ran from that point on, which was probably a half mile.  It was definitely the furthest I've ever run at once.  That says a lot for adrenaline, because when I run on my own, I can barely run half that.

I started off jogging, but the course started uphill, so that was literally an uphill battle between me and my brain.  I ended up walking most of that part and was disheartened when I thought I was going to have to walk the entire race.  I told the hubs to go on without me, because I knew he wanted to run.  Well, then the course flattened out and started going downhill, so I decided to pick up the pace.  There were a bunch of people walking, so the only pressure I had was from myself, and as we know, she's a big ol' bitch, so she forced me to run every time the course was flat or downhill.  That's how I ended up running a good chunk of it.

I did have to stop completely once, which sucked.  Everything was going well.  I was wogging my way through, more jogging than walking at this point, and then I noticed the course was about to take a turn for the worse.  The entire thing went through areas of the college campus, so I really enjoyed that part, but as we rounded the corner, vivid flashbacks from my times as a student began flooding my brain. I knew I was about to half to conquer the hill on Bull Street which is a 90 degree   hill that you half to walk up in the snow (See picture below). It makes the cardiac hill in my neighborhood look like a walk in the park.  I got halfway up this monstrosity and noticed that everyone...EVERYONE (even the fittest of the fit) was walking oh so slowly up it.  Fatties like me had to take a mini break before we could continue, but I was happy to be in good company and not the only one who had to stop. It was less than a minute before I was on my way again, and in my defense, the last color station was right after we reached the top, so I pretty much ran from that point until the finish.

I have no idea what my time was, because the amazing organizers of the event want it to be fun, so they don't time it.  They also donate a portion to a local charity and chose Happy Wheels, which I thought was an awesome choice.  They're talking about doing an annual event, so if they do, I'm taking the kids next year.  I think they would have a blast.

The hill I had to climb.  Fine, not really, but you get the idea.

 Here's what we looked like at the end:

If you look really close, you can see a turquoise ring around Wesley's eye.  Apparently you need lab safety goggles to do this thing.

 

My sister came up this weekend, too, since I'm going to be an old lady in a few days, and I think she wanted to rub it in.  She did bring some awesome gifts, though, and watched the rugrats so Wesley and I could do the race. 

Awesome gifts.  Yes, that is a Bill Murray coloring book.

She also took me to lunch, and since it was one of my b-day weekends (you get 2 when it falls in the middle of the week), I gorged myself silly.  I have been so good lately, so my body isn't used to that shit anymore.  I spent a majority of the weekend gassy, bloated, nauseous, and in pain.  It was not pleasant, and I realized I really do not miss junk food at all.  I did test my little theory this morning with leftover pizza and am now paying the price AGAIN.  So, I'm done.  I'm not advocating any kind of restrictive diet, because I think it's too hard to stick to something like that, and you end up binging yourself silly, but I have learned that my body definitely works better on a lower carb, less processed food diet.  I think it's true for everyone, although I think I'm more affected by carbs than most people.  Even whole grain pasta, rice, and bread make me feel tired and sluggish, so they're off the menu for now.  I do tolerate potatoes, though (thank Jebus!), so they're staying in.

Because I have too much time on my hands, I created this tribute video to foods that I once loved but now am cutting completely from my diet.  I ate most of them this weekend, and they were not nice to me.  So good riddance old pals.

The 5K Races, Yeah About Those...

I'm very close to faking a knee injury, because I haven't done jack diddly shit in the past couple of weeks.  Well, until yesterday.  The kids and I did a charity walk in Charlotte, and there were 3 different distance options, but I have no idea which route we took.  We were with other folks, and I let them lead the way.  In my mind, it was a 5k, because then I don't feel so inadequate.

This morning, I was all motivated and what not, so I went for a wog.  I had the longest running distance ever (all down hill mind you, but still).  The problem was when I switched back to walking, I never could get my running groove back.  I think I'm going to try somewhere flatter tomorrow to see what I can really do, because I am beyond stressed about the next 2 5ks.  They're supposed to be fun, which is why I signed up for them, but coming in dead last isn't my idea of a good time.  The Color Me Rad is Saturday, so I'm using it as a warm up to the RunDead, since people will be chasing me in that one.  Luckily the hubs will be with me at both, although he has informed me that he will be leaving me in the dust at the zombie run, so my plans to trip him will have to be altered.

***I was in the middle of typing this when my neighbor knocked on my door.  We had plans to run together this morning, but I apparently got the time mixed up.  I went at 9:30 and did 2 miles, so when she rang the doorbell at 10:30, I went pale.  But I sucked it up and went with her and her husband's cousin, who is about 11 feet tall with a 24 inch waist.  When I was about to die and had to walk while they continued jogging, he spouted off helpful tips like, "Don't stop. You just need to get control of your breathing. At least do a brisk walk, so you can keep your heart rate up." He obviously has no idea that fat people can do a lot less work to keep their heart rates up, since our hearts are struggling enough to begin with.  I would have punched him, but he was moving too fast, and I was dying.    Regardless, I did jog a bit with them and added another mile to my total, making it a full 5k for me today, albeit not all at once. It's progress people.

Spoke Too Soon

You know how you don't hear from a heroin addict for a week, and it turns out he's holed up in some crack house, OD'ing and seeing dead babies on the ceiling?  Well that's where I was for the past week- drunk on Diet Dr. Pepper and high on carbs.  So I guess I lied last week when I said I was getting back on it then.  I'm really doing it....starting now.

I did wog today, but I didn't do the couch to 5K workout.  That program is terrific for people who are in better shape than I am, but it progressed too quickly for me.  Instead, today, I walked to the front of the neighborhood, which was mostly uphill, so when I got to the end, I turned around and jogged downhill as far as I could.  I continued in a similar pattern, jogging whenever I could downhill.  I realized that the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to complete the entire workout for the 3rd week of C25K was enough to deter me from even trying it. It's counterintuitive, I realize, since you can never do something if you don't try, so I just adjusted my routine to accommodate my current fitness level.  I also started using the RunKeeper  app because I have app ADD. I'm like a boy with video games.  I need constant change to stay motivated and stimulated.

I don't even know what my whore scale has to say about my indiscretions.  I'll deal with her on Friday.

Better Day

I was in a raunchy mood yesterday, I guess, because I feel much better today.  I went out for a wog, and I did the best I have all week.  I still wasn't able to jog the full 1.5 minute intervals, but I at least attempted each one and finished most of them.  My overall time was faster, and my distance was a bit farther.

I looked ahead, and week 3 is a routine of jog 1.5 minutes, walk 1.5 minutes, jog 3 minutes, and walk 3 minutes.  You do that twice along with a 5 minute warm up and cool down.  I'm not sure about those 3 minute jogs, but I think I'll try wogging around a track (flat) as opposed to my hilly 'hood.

Part of the reason for my improved mood is that I've hit a milestone of sorts with my weight loss.  I'm finally out of the 220's and back in the 2 teens.  I was stuck at the same weight for about 3 weeks, so I decided to cut carbs at night.  I'm staunchly opposed to depriving myself of any food group, because I've tried failed at deprivation diets far too many times, but my body always responds positively to limiting carbs.  I started doing it a few days ago, and the weight immediately dropped.  I've been steady for a few days, so I feel like it's not water fluctuation at this point, and I can tout my achievement.

I've been eating stuff like this for dinner:

See how super cheesy it is???  Delicious.  It's thin-sliced zucchini topped with marinara, shredded mozzarella, and pepperoni.  I got this idea on Pinterest natch, but they used low fat cheese and turkey pepperoni.  Maybe next time...

Oh, and I've learned that the best songs to listen to while working out are the most ridiculous ones you can find.  Think super cheesy ("Call Me Maybe") or this little gem that I had forgotten about and recently rediscovered:

This is the song with the lyrics, which I highly suggest you read if you need a good laugh. R Kelly is a real Poet Laureate fo' sho yo!

Even better- Young the Giant remixxed the remix.  Enjoy.

C25K Week 2

I'm not gonna lie.  Week 2 has been a bust so far.  I have gone out every other day like I'm supposed to, but these workouts are 10 minutes longer (31 minutes vs. 20 minutes), and the jogging portions are longer (1.5 minutes vs. 1 minute).  I know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but to someone so massively out of shape as I am, it is apparently.  I have not completed one workout so far this week without having to walk during some of the jogging portions. I have completed them, though...well, except for today.

Today is supposed to be day 3 of week 2 for me.  I decided to try running around my backyard for a few reasons: 1. I'm sick of running up cardiac hill.  It kills me every time. 2. I'm less self conscious, because there are no cars driving by or people walking their dogs or maintenance men who look like they're about to call 911 to come pick up the fat chick having a heart attack because she has no business running. And 3. The zombie run is a trail run, so I thought I would get some good practice running on grass and dodging dog poop and the kids' toys.

This was a mistake, because my backyard IS a fucking hill.  Yeah, it's not as steep as cardiac hill, but the entire time I was either going up or down an incline.  Also, my yard is as lumpy as my thighs, so my ankles, knees, and thighs were hitting at all sorts of weird angles.  This lead to me utilizing a whole bunch of muscles I didn't know existed and am now painfully aware of. And the worst part of all- it's really easy to quit when you're in your backyard as opposed to the opposite end of the neighborhood, where you have no choice but to walk back.  So, I lasted for 10 minutes before I quit.  My legs hurt, and my earbuds kept falling out, which I took as a sign from the universe to just call it a day and try again tomorrow.  I've also recently become reacquainted with my shin splints and cramps, which I did not suffer from at all the first week.

I know I sound like a big ol' whiny bitch today, and I own that.  I am being a total baby.  I hate running with a fiery passion, and I feel like it's important to put this out there, because one day I will love it.  I'm determined to become one of those obnoxious cunts who drones on about the benefits of running and runners' highs and my first half marathon- all that shit.  And when I finally get there, because I WILL, I want other people to look back on this and realize they can do it, too, even if they're out of shape and hate exercising.

Also, Hey Fat Girl, read this if you need some more motivation.

Training Day 1: Dramatic Description of Events

Well, I did it.  I stuck by my word and started my training plan, and I almost goddamn died.  I spent 75% of the time convinced that I was going to throw up, pass out, or both.  These are the thoughts that went through my brain:

"Hey, this isn't so bad.  But it is kind of warm outside."
"Boy, that first hill was rough, but good for me for getting out here and moving."
"Geez, this second hill is really tough, and it's really getting hot out here."
"I'm glad I have my Ipod, although R.E.M.'s 'Bad Day' isn't very motivational when you're breathing heavy."
"I think I'm going to jog for a bit, since I'm going downhill anyway."
"Fuck.  That was a mistake. I'm walking from here on out."
"Jesus, I love Mumford and Sons, but 'The Cave' is kind of demotivating, and I'm starting to get suicidal."
"Thank God for Ke$ha, and Victoria's terrible taste in music, because my shit is too heavy to exercise to."
"Holy balls, why did I decide to walk in the middle of lunch hour, and why is there no breeze?"
"Oh my God, this was a mistake.  I think I'm going to die, but I will get to the end of the neighborhod."
"Yay for LMFAO and their stupid music.  I might just make it after all."
"I am too fat and out of shape for this shit."
"Oh my God, why did I walk to the end of the neighborhood?  Now I have to walk all the way back."
"Uh oh.  I am definitely going to vomit.  I can feel it in my throat.  Just keep moving, and keep your head down."
"Is is possible for your heart to actually explode in your chest, because I'm pretty sure that's about to happen."
"Fuck you, LMFAO.  You're not sexy, and you definitely don't work out.  You're skinny nerds with ridiculous hair and clothes. Why am I listening to you?"
"Why did I leave my cell phone at home?  How am I going to call the EMT when my heart explodes?"
"Here comes the vomit train again. I refuse to hop on board."
"I am definitely going to pass out.  Which patch of grass looks the softest?"
"Keep moving, or else these people are going to find you passed out in their yard."
"Oh my God, another fucking hill!  You have got to be kidding me!"
"This was the worst mistake of my life.  I cannot believe how much this feels like torture.  It's worse than that time I smoked that spice shit and thought I was going to die, because I really am going to die this time."
"Oh, thank God I can see my van from here!"
"Maintain.  Maintain.  Maintain.  You're almost there, and you can pass out on your couch."
"Jesus, I made it!  Oh, thank God!  Damn, I have to do this shit all over again on Thursday."

So, there you go.  I literally thought I would die the entire second half of my walk.  And I only walked 2.5 miles for 40 minutes.  But, at least I got off my lazy ass and did something.  So, the game plan for Thursday is to make sure I'm super hydrated, go earlier in the morning, and make sure I've eaten something to give me some fuel, because this was seriously the worst physical experience I can remember in a long time.  It's been an hour and a half since I finished, and my legs still feel like a baby deer's trying to learn to walk, my heart is finally slowing down, and my hearing is beginning to return.  I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I had a stroke.