Spoke Too Soon

You know how you don't hear from a heroin addict for a week, and it turns out he's holed up in some crack house, OD'ing and seeing dead babies on the ceiling?  Well that's where I was for the past week- drunk on Diet Dr. Pepper and high on carbs.  So I guess I lied last week when I said I was getting back on it then.  I'm really doing it....starting now.

I did wog today, but I didn't do the couch to 5K workout.  That program is terrific for people who are in better shape than I am, but it progressed too quickly for me.  Instead, today, I walked to the front of the neighborhood, which was mostly uphill, so when I got to the end, I turned around and jogged downhill as far as I could.  I continued in a similar pattern, jogging whenever I could downhill.  I realized that the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to complete the entire workout for the 3rd week of C25K was enough to deter me from even trying it. It's counterintuitive, I realize, since you can never do something if you don't try, so I just adjusted my routine to accommodate my current fitness level.  I also started using the RunKeeper  app because I have app ADD. I'm like a boy with video games.  I need constant change to stay motivated and stimulated.

I don't even know what my whore scale has to say about my indiscretions.  I'll deal with her on Friday.

My Body is a Wonderland

But not in that sexy John Mayer way. More in the defying mathematics way.  As in I haven't exercised in 4 days, and I've eaten poorly, so I gained 5 pounds.  Let me break that down for you.  Each pound is 3500 calories, and according to this calculator, I can eat 2945 calories per day and maintain my weight.  Now, I know I wasn't tracking each morsel like I should have the past few days, but I did account for enough that I know that there's no way in hell I've consumed 17,500 calories over the last 4 days PLUS 2945 each day.  I aim for 1200-1500 calories a day, and realistically, even when I wasn't eating well, I don't think I even topped 3000. I should have stayed the same at least.  So yesterday I was so super good, limiting myself to about 1300 calories and less than 100 carbs, and I gained .2 pounds. Effffff!

In the past, all of this would have driven me to binge for weeks months, and I would have probably just decided to eat my ass off since all of the holidays are coming up anyway, and then I would do that whole New Year's resolution "I'm really going to do it this time" bullshit, but I'm not.  This is the time I'm going to do it.  It's just a setback not the end of the world, and I've already established that my scale is a whore, so I don't trust what she says anyway.  Also, I have 2 runs coming up, one of which involves me being chased by other people, so I have 6 weeks to prepare for that.  I think that's enough time to make significant strides in my fitness level.

Better Day

I was in a raunchy mood yesterday, I guess, because I feel much better today.  I went out for a wog, and I did the best I have all week.  I still wasn't able to jog the full 1.5 minute intervals, but I at least attempted each one and finished most of them.  My overall time was faster, and my distance was a bit farther.

I looked ahead, and week 3 is a routine of jog 1.5 minutes, walk 1.5 minutes, jog 3 minutes, and walk 3 minutes.  You do that twice along with a 5 minute warm up and cool down.  I'm not sure about those 3 minute jogs, but I think I'll try wogging around a track (flat) as opposed to my hilly 'hood.

Part of the reason for my improved mood is that I've hit a milestone of sorts with my weight loss.  I'm finally out of the 220's and back in the 2 teens.  I was stuck at the same weight for about 3 weeks, so I decided to cut carbs at night.  I'm staunchly opposed to depriving myself of any food group, because I've tried failed at deprivation diets far too many times, but my body always responds positively to limiting carbs.  I started doing it a few days ago, and the weight immediately dropped.  I've been steady for a few days, so I feel like it's not water fluctuation at this point, and I can tout my achievement.

I've been eating stuff like this for dinner:

See how super cheesy it is???  Delicious.  It's thin-sliced zucchini topped with marinara, shredded mozzarella, and pepperoni.  I got this idea on Pinterest natch, but they used low fat cheese and turkey pepperoni.  Maybe next time...

Oh, and I've learned that the best songs to listen to while working out are the most ridiculous ones you can find.  Think super cheesy ("Call Me Maybe") or this little gem that I had forgotten about and recently rediscovered:

This is the song with the lyrics, which I highly suggest you read if you need a good laugh. R Kelly is a real Poet Laureate fo' sho yo!

Even better- Young the Giant remixxed the remix.  Enjoy.

C25K Week 2

I'm not gonna lie.  Week 2 has been a bust so far.  I have gone out every other day like I'm supposed to, but these workouts are 10 minutes longer (31 minutes vs. 20 minutes), and the jogging portions are longer (1.5 minutes vs. 1 minute).  I know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but to someone so massively out of shape as I am, it is apparently.  I have not completed one workout so far this week without having to walk during some of the jogging portions. I have completed them, though...well, except for today.

Today is supposed to be day 3 of week 2 for me.  I decided to try running around my backyard for a few reasons: 1. I'm sick of running up cardiac hill.  It kills me every time. 2. I'm less self conscious, because there are no cars driving by or people walking their dogs or maintenance men who look like they're about to call 911 to come pick up the fat chick having a heart attack because she has no business running. And 3. The zombie run is a trail run, so I thought I would get some good practice running on grass and dodging dog poop and the kids' toys.

This was a mistake, because my backyard IS a fucking hill.  Yeah, it's not as steep as cardiac hill, but the entire time I was either going up or down an incline.  Also, my yard is as lumpy as my thighs, so my ankles, knees, and thighs were hitting at all sorts of weird angles.  This lead to me utilizing a whole bunch of muscles I didn't know existed and am now painfully aware of. And the worst part of all- it's really easy to quit when you're in your backyard as opposed to the opposite end of the neighborhood, where you have no choice but to walk back.  So, I lasted for 10 minutes before I quit.  My legs hurt, and my earbuds kept falling out, which I took as a sign from the universe to just call it a day and try again tomorrow.  I've also recently become reacquainted with my shin splints and cramps, which I did not suffer from at all the first week.

I know I sound like a big ol' whiny bitch today, and I own that.  I am being a total baby.  I hate running with a fiery passion, and I feel like it's important to put this out there, because one day I will love it.  I'm determined to become one of those obnoxious cunts who drones on about the benefits of running and runners' highs and my first half marathon- all that shit.  And when I finally get there, because I WILL, I want other people to look back on this and realize they can do it, too, even if they're out of shape and hate exercising.

Also, Hey Fat Girl, read this if you need some more motivation.

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU headache!

I have a headache.  I know that's not big news or anything, but it started when we were on vacation 2 weeks ago and has rarely given me any relief since.  Some days (today) are worse than others.  I'm pretty sure it's a big, bad tension headache, because I'm getting the kids adjusted to school, starting Fall classes myself, and desperately trying to find a job so we don't all starve in December when the Financial Aid runs out.  Unfortunately, my stress usually manifests itself physically either with explosive diarrhea or tension headaches.  This time my body chose headaches that cannot be cured with drugs.  I've tried everything- Excedrin Tension, Aleve, Ibuprofen, and for good measure, Allegra, in case it's allergy related.  Nothing is working.  So, I showed my body.  I just took a cocktail comprised of all of the above.  I'm really just writing this in the event that I die while drowning in my own toilet vomit, so my sister can notify the authorities and my hubs of what occurred.

Also, I should confess that due to the headache/exhaustion, I skipped my C25K workout today.  I can still pick it up tomorrow and stay on schedule, but I feel extremely guilty about it.  That counts for something, right?

It's uncanny how much this resembles me currently.

C25K Week 1 Day 3 and a Pinadequacy

I did it, bitches!  I made it through week one.  And not even half-assedly.  I mean I jogged ever time that bitch told me to and didn't stop until she seductively whispered "walk" into my ear.  I'm extra proud today, because not even halfway through, I got a cramp, and oh God, did it hurt.  The thing I noticed, though, is that I had more relief when I was jogging than when I was walking.  I tried the deep breathing lamaze shit, and that was a bust.  Basically I just had to slow down, and it eventually went away.  Every other time I've gotten a cramp, I've just flat out quit jogging and dragged my sorry ass home.  Not today, though.  I really think this program speaks to my inner submissive, because I truly just do whatever she tells me, no questions asked.  Even when one part of my brain says "I'm a grown ass woman, and I do what I want," as soon as she says "jog", it's knees to chest like a reflex.  Ok, maybe not knees to chest, but it's a jog of some sort.

I also was punishing myself a bit today, because I had next to no water yesterday, and then I had Hibachi vegetables (not so bad) with fried rice (bad), and about a gallon of shrimp sauce/aka yum yum sauce/this shit.  And to top it off, I finished the day with one of these.  Yes, I ate the whole thing.  It was over 600 calories, and it was delicious.  I'm back on it today, having a boiled egg and cherries for breakfast and steadily sipping water to replenish the waterfalls that dripped from my face and into my eyeballs. This brings me to my Pinadequacy.  Yesterday I did the bake eggs in the oven instead of boiling them thing, and it was fantabulous.  Basically you put the eggs in a muffin tin and bake them at 325 for 25-30 minutes.  I did mine for 30 minutes, because I don't care if the yolk is yellow or gray.  It tastes the same to me.  I can report that they are easier to peel, which is a good thing, because I can't tell you how many times I've lost half my egg due to it being stuck to the shell.

I have no idea who took this pic, because the blog is gone now, but it isn't mine, so suck it Copyright laws.

I also saw this on Pinterest this morning. 

Yeah, but it sure does burn the shit out of your eyeballs, impeding your vision, and possibly causing you to stumble in front of oncoming traffic.  I'm just sayin'.

C25K Day 2

I went a different way around my 'hood today, so I was able to avoid running most hills this time.  I still had to run what I affectionately call "cardiac hill", but that damn thing just has bad placement, and it's a long one, so I can't avoid having to jog some portion of it.  There was a point in which I didn't think I could jog anymore, but I pushed through since I was going downhill, and that happened to be the last jog cycle, so I was home free after that.  I'm proud to say that I cut a full minute per mile off my time today, so I was wogging a 15:36 mile today.

Playlist song that got me going:

Song that prevented me from quitting: