Sayonara Saboteur

Throughout all of my many many MANY weight loss attempts, one factor contributing to my failure remains constant- my scale.  I get obsessed with it.  Every stall, or worse, gain (gasp!), creates a feeling of failure, and as an emotional eater, guess where I turn.  I stepped on the scale for the last time yesterday morning.  I'm still at a 9 pound weight loss, which is frustrating, because although I haven't been sticking to the ridiculous 500 calorie daily limit, I am eating an average of about 1000-1200 calories per day, which should still be restrictive enough for me to continue losing.  Whether I'm losing inches instead or just at a stall, that number is a daily reminder of how far I am away from being the healthy person I want to be.  Instead of focusing on the number, from now on, I'm going to focus on my fitness and energy levels.  I have been feeling much better since I've started eating cleaner, cutting carbs, and increased my calorie intake from the first week on the diet.  Oh, and I did walk with the entire family yesterday afternoon and discovered that my near death experience on Tuesday must have resulted from the heat, because I did much better with the cooler temp and overcast sky.  Anywho, I will weigh myself again at some point, but I will probably wait until I can feel a definite difference in my clothes, so whatever number pops up won't make or break my fitness plans.

Training Day 1: Dramatic Description of Events

Well, I did it.  I stuck by my word and started my training plan, and I almost goddamn died.  I spent 75% of the time convinced that I was going to throw up, pass out, or both.  These are the thoughts that went through my brain:

"Hey, this isn't so bad.  But it is kind of warm outside."
"Boy, that first hill was rough, but good for me for getting out here and moving."
"Geez, this second hill is really tough, and it's really getting hot out here."
"I'm glad I have my Ipod, although R.E.M.'s 'Bad Day' isn't very motivational when you're breathing heavy."
"I think I'm going to jog for a bit, since I'm going downhill anyway."
"Fuck.  That was a mistake. I'm walking from here on out."
"Jesus, I love Mumford and Sons, but 'The Cave' is kind of demotivating, and I'm starting to get suicidal."
"Thank God for Ke$ha, and Victoria's terrible taste in music, because my shit is too heavy to exercise to."
"Holy balls, why did I decide to walk in the middle of lunch hour, and why is there no breeze?"
"Oh my God, this was a mistake.  I think I'm going to die, but I will get to the end of the neighborhod."
"Yay for LMFAO and their stupid music.  I might just make it after all."
"I am too fat and out of shape for this shit."
"Oh my God, why did I walk to the end of the neighborhood?  Now I have to walk all the way back."
"Uh oh.  I am definitely going to vomit.  I can feel it in my throat.  Just keep moving, and keep your head down."
"Is is possible for your heart to actually explode in your chest, because I'm pretty sure that's about to happen."
"Fuck you, LMFAO.  You're not sexy, and you definitely don't work out.  You're skinny nerds with ridiculous hair and clothes. Why am I listening to you?"
"Why did I leave my cell phone at home?  How am I going to call the EMT when my heart explodes?"
"Here comes the vomit train again. I refuse to hop on board."
"I am definitely going to pass out.  Which patch of grass looks the softest?"
"Keep moving, or else these people are going to find you passed out in their yard."
"Oh my God, another fucking hill!  You have got to be kidding me!"
"This was the worst mistake of my life.  I cannot believe how much this feels like torture.  It's worse than that time I smoked that spice shit and thought I was going to die, because I really am going to die this time."
"Oh, thank God I can see my van from here!"
"Maintain.  Maintain.  Maintain.  You're almost there, and you can pass out on your couch."
"Jesus, I made it!  Oh, thank God!  Damn, I have to do this shit all over again on Thursday."

So, there you go.  I literally thought I would die the entire second half of my walk.  And I only walked 2.5 miles for 40 minutes.  But, at least I got off my lazy ass and did something.  So, the game plan for Thursday is to make sure I'm super hydrated, go earlier in the morning, and make sure I've eaten something to give me some fuel, because this was seriously the worst physical experience I can remember in a long time.  It's been an hour and a half since I finished, and my legs still feel like a baby deer's trying to learn to walk, my heart is finally slowing down, and my hearing is beginning to return.  I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I had a stroke.

The Quest to be Thin

Holy God.  Did you see this news story today?  It was on a couple of the morning shows and Yahoo! is running it, too.  Apparently stupid bitches (much like myself) are so determined to lose some extra poundage before their wedding day that they're subjecting themselves to tube feeding.  What. The. Fuck.  I thought my ass was crazy.  But, you know what's really insane?  These chicks are still ingesting more than the 500 calories I'm supposed to be eating on my plan.  They get a big, bad 800 calorie feeding per day, but they look like freak shows with tubes hanging off their faces in the meantime.  One issue I have with this is that my limited time in nursing school taught me that NG tubes pose infection risks with the whole foreign object being inserted into the body thing.  That's why they're placed in hospitals and removed before the patient goes home.  I mean, I'm sure there are folks who are sickly that have these gadgets at home, but they're not up and walking around Wal Mart or whatever freaking everyone out and picking up God knows what disease.

My other issue is why can't these bitches crash diet like the rest of us?  It's insane, and I mean all of it- crash diets, fad diets, surgical procedures, etc.  What have we come to that we'd rather starve ourselves and butcher our bodies rather than put down the ice cream carton and bag of potato chips and get our asses off the couch and walk for 30 minutes a day?  It's the immediate gratification that we crave.  That's the problem.  No one, myself included, wants to put in the time and effort it takes to do it the right way.

Well, starting tomorrow, I'm no longer in the crazy group.  I am going to start running.  And by that, I mean wogging (walk/jogging).  I plan to build up slowly to the point where I can run a full half marathon.  I have my eye on this one.  Ideally, I'd like to plan a vacation for the whole family centered around my run, but I don't know what my job/school situation will be then.  Regardless, I'm determined to at least be physically able to do it by then.  It's almost a year away, so I'm going against my natural instincts and not setting a goal that's too aggressive.  I'm going to modify my current diet to allow for more calories and possible whole grains, if I determine that my body needs them for energy to exercise.  I will continue with the hcg, though, because as I said before, that shit is expensive.

Week 2 Check In and Some Truth

So far, I've lost 9 pounds, which is great, but I'm really having a hard time getting past how moronic this whole plan is.  I'm torn between doing what I know I should do and sticking to this retarded plan because I dropped so much cash on it, and I hate to waste money.  One thing I'm not doing is eating 500 cals per day.  I'm probably between 750 and 1000, which is still not as much as you're supposed to eat, but it's better than 500 measly calories a day. I really want to start running, so if I do that, I have to eat more.

If anyone is reading this and thinking of trying hcg, I would advise against it.  It's not that I'm starving all the time (I'm really not) or that I feel deprived.  It's more because it's expensive to get the real stuff (the homeopathic stuff is shit), you're not encouraged to exercise, and you're training your body to depend on such a low calorie amount, that when you increase your intake, the weight you lost is bound to come screaming back.  I know that there are people that do this and keep the weight off, but they do ridiculous shit to keep their weight in check.  Things like "steak days" which consist of not eating anything all day and then having a steak for dinner with a tomato.  Or egg days, where you eat a dozen eggs throughout the day, prepared however you like.  And these people swear by this method and are very defensive when people point out how stupid it is.

The allure of the hcg diet is the quick weight loss, which is what sucked me in.  I was hoping to use it as a jump start to get me going on my journey.  I have, in essence, given myself an eating disorder.  I weigh myself constantly to keep myself in check to make sure I'm losing weight.  I feel good when I deprive myself from one of the only 2 fruit servings I get per day, because I feel like it will help me lose weight faster.  I'm too exhausted to be productive around the house, but I'm terrified to eat any more than I am, because I don't want the pounds I've lost to come creeping back.

I'm a third of the way through this ridiculous ordeal, and as much as I want to get my money's worth, I'm tempted to say fuck it, up my calories, and starting walking, because when I lose the extra person I'm carrying, I want to be able to say I did it the healthy way, not the psycho starvation fad diet way.  And when I lose this, I want it gone for good.  I don't want to spend every day of the rest of my life obsessed with the scale.  That, to me, seems more miserable than being fat, so what's the point?

I'm Done With Meat!

It's not a euphemism for being a lesbian; I am so sick of actual meat.  I've ventured into vegetarian territory before, because whenever I eat a lot of meat, it starts to make me physically ill.  It happens a lot on low carb, high protein diets, such as the one I'm on now.  So, for lunch, instead of the 3 oz of protein and cup of veggies I'm supposed to have, I had 2 boiled eggs with a splash of vinegar, a dollop of mayonnaise, and a pickle spear mixed in.  And, yes, those are official measurements I used.  I had an orange on the side, so my entire meal was still around 250 to 300 cals, high in protein, and no processed foods, so I'm sticking to the basic hcg plan.  I'm sure the insane diehards I've seen online would beg to differ, but the whole idea behind this thing is to do something I can stick with throughout life, not gag down food I once loved and have grown to hate due to eating it repetitively and ultimately end up gorging myself into oblivion on Easter candy and potato chips, which leads me to last night's indiscretion.

I haven't cheated on this thing ( I mean for real cheated, not like "oops I had a diet soda" cheated) since I started, and I was so proud of myself on Friday night.  My 6yo broke her wrist around 4:00, so instead of eating dinner, she and I were sitting in the orthopedic doctor's waiting room  waiting to be seen. We didn't finish until 8:00 pm, and she left with a pink cast and an empty belly.  Naturally we went to McDonald's, to reward her bravery throughout the process.  I know- bad mommy, rewarding with food, but come on.  The kid was in pain and was such a trooper.  Anywho, I hate McD's.  I think it's disgusting, and I've always said their meat doesn't taste right- WAY before the pink slime thing was exposed, I might add, but every kids loves it, including me when I was one, so McDonald's it was.  Despite my hatred for it, and most fast food for that matter, I had already made up my mind that I was going to chow down on a cheeseburger and fries, because that was my reward for...I don't know...being a trooper, too?  But, once I got up to the drive-thru, I talked myself out of it, because I've come a long way over the past week, and I am determined to change this time.  My reward for my self restraint was losing a pound.

Cut to last night when I was putting the kids' Easter baskets together, filling them with mini-Reese's, Snickers, Twix, etc.  It was like my sense of smell was heightened, and that wonderful, familiar mixture of chocolate and peanut butter was wafting toward me, becoming overwhelming and irresistible.  I devoured 1, then 2, then I lost count.  And then I got sick.  I'm not used to eating carbs, much less highly processed, sugary ones, so I really got ill.  It was then that I made the decision to have a full-on cheat meal.  I knew that it was either that, or I would come off the plan altogether, so I picked the lesser of 2 evils and had a cheeseburger, potato chips with dip, and some ice cream for dinner.  I resolved that I will be allowed 1 cheat meal per week, in order to keep my motivation and determination from waning.  And. It. Worked.  I did gain a pound back, but my resolve is stronger than ever, and the only changes I'm making are substituting vegetarian protein sources, and I really want to start running.  In order to do that, I have to up my calorie intake, so I may still wait a few more weeks, because I don't want to acknowledge to myself that the hcg was a huge waste of money.  At least, not yet.  So I'm sticking to the calorie restrictions, for now.

Week 1 Done

Today marks a week since I started the very low calorie diet.  I've lost about 7 pounds.  I say "about" because I'm not sure exactly where I started since I didn't have a digital scale until the next day.  Anyway, 7 seems pretty good to me.  I know a lot of people drop this on the first week of any diet plan they start, and it's mostly water, but I usually don't lose this much even in the first week of healthy eating on any plan. Also, my fatty fatty jeans that were too tight and providing me with a oh so sexy muffin top now slide on with no problems, so I've lost inches as well.

It took about 3 days of eating low cal not to be hungry, but I am still quite weak and exhausted.  I always thought carbs made me tired because whenever I eat a super carby meal, I'm usually ready for a big ol' nap afterward, but this is an entirely new kind of tired.  This is more like I'm a new mom again and barely functioning exhaustion.  I can feel that my blood sugar is permanently low, and that's probably because I have hypoglycemic tendencies (all the more reason I shouldn't be messing around with this).  I have been drinking my water and taking supplements consisting of Calcium Pyruvate, a daily multi-vitamin, and some adrenal health supplement of which I cannot find the ingredients.  I definitely think there's caffeine or something in the adrenal one, because I notice a definite difference between when I take it and when I don't.  In fact, if I were telling someone about this, I would recommend the supplements over the hcg, because I'm not all that convinced the hcg does anything.  The one thing it has done for me is remind me that paid a shit ton for it, and by God, that money will not go to waste, so I take that sad little pellet every morning, and I'm sticking to this goddamn plan for the 40 days.

Truthfully once it's over, I'm probably switching to the healthy diet and exercise thing because everyone I admire that has traveled this journey before me did it the old fashioned way.  Don't be fooled, though.  This is no magic pill.  It's really fucking hard to eat 2 meals a day consisting of microscopic proportions and eating the same crap over and over.  I'm not a meat fan, and I despise fish, so that's the toughest part for me.  I'd rather be on a vegetarian or vegan plan honestly, and I'll probably pursue that once this is finished. I also want to start running.  Stop laughing, asshole.  I can totally be a runner.  I just have to build up to it.  This chick is my role model, so one day I hope to get to where she is and become a role model for other chubsters, but more importantly my kids.