Really Dedicated or Mentally Impaired

Based on how my knees felt after my walk this morning, I'm going with the latter.  It's been several days since I've been swimming (my normal mode of exercise), since my son split his arm open, preventing him, meaning us, from being able to go to the pool.  I felt an emotion that I've experienced a hundred times, usually after I've hurled obscenities at my children or downed an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Red Velvet Cake ice cream in one sitting, but never...NEVER...in relation to exercise.  The tides are turning children.  Pigs are flying and it's raining toads, because I actually felt guilty that I had not exercised in several days, except for the spectacle I displayed on Saturday evening, which totally counts, based on the bucket of sweat that poured from my body.  Anywho, I guilted myself into walking this morning, despite the fact that my knees have still not totally recovered.  They hurt a bit at first, but then they went numb, which I assumed was a good thing.  20 minutes later, the feeling returned, and the throbbing started, but I was so far into the walk it didn't matter.  I still had to make it home.  So, I hobbled down the street House-style and limped up the stairs.  They're recovering now, though, and unless my kneecap shoots out of my body at some point, I plan to keep doing this, since I think the fundamental issue with dancing was that my knees weren't strong enough to support my weight.

While my knees were burning, it dawned on me that I didn't look like Elaine at all on Saturday.  I can't believe I forgot about this, but this is for sure a much better comparison:

Also, for anyone who cares, this is the BEST workout song ever.  It's probably about getting stoned or smashed or something, but every time it plays on my Ipod, I can't help but kick it up.

The Quest to be Thin

Holy God.  Did you see this news story today?  It was on a couple of the morning shows and Yahoo! is running it, too.  Apparently stupid bitches (much like myself) are so determined to lose some extra poundage before their wedding day that they're subjecting themselves to tube feeding.  What. The. Fuck.  I thought my ass was crazy.  But, you know what's really insane?  These chicks are still ingesting more than the 500 calories I'm supposed to be eating on my plan.  They get a big, bad 800 calorie feeding per day, but they look like freak shows with tubes hanging off their faces in the meantime.  One issue I have with this is that my limited time in nursing school taught me that NG tubes pose infection risks with the whole foreign object being inserted into the body thing.  That's why they're placed in hospitals and removed before the patient goes home.  I mean, I'm sure there are folks who are sickly that have these gadgets at home, but they're not up and walking around Wal Mart or whatever freaking everyone out and picking up God knows what disease.

My other issue is why can't these bitches crash diet like the rest of us?  It's insane, and I mean all of it- crash diets, fad diets, surgical procedures, etc.  What have we come to that we'd rather starve ourselves and butcher our bodies rather than put down the ice cream carton and bag of potato chips and get our asses off the couch and walk for 30 minutes a day?  It's the immediate gratification that we crave.  That's the problem.  No one, myself included, wants to put in the time and effort it takes to do it the right way.

Well, starting tomorrow, I'm no longer in the crazy group.  I am going to start running.  And by that, I mean wogging (walk/jogging).  I plan to build up slowly to the point where I can run a full half marathon.  I have my eye on this one.  Ideally, I'd like to plan a vacation for the whole family centered around my run, but I don't know what my job/school situation will be then.  Regardless, I'm determined to at least be physically able to do it by then.  It's almost a year away, so I'm going against my natural instincts and not setting a goal that's too aggressive.  I'm going to modify my current diet to allow for more calories and possible whole grains, if I determine that my body needs them for energy to exercise.  I will continue with the hcg, though, because as I said before, that shit is expensive.

Week 2 Check In and Some Truth

So far, I've lost 9 pounds, which is great, but I'm really having a hard time getting past how moronic this whole plan is.  I'm torn between doing what I know I should do and sticking to this retarded plan because I dropped so much cash on it, and I hate to waste money.  One thing I'm not doing is eating 500 cals per day.  I'm probably between 750 and 1000, which is still not as much as you're supposed to eat, but it's better than 500 measly calories a day. I really want to start running, so if I do that, I have to eat more.

If anyone is reading this and thinking of trying hcg, I would advise against it.  It's not that I'm starving all the time (I'm really not) or that I feel deprived.  It's more because it's expensive to get the real stuff (the homeopathic stuff is shit), you're not encouraged to exercise, and you're training your body to depend on such a low calorie amount, that when you increase your intake, the weight you lost is bound to come screaming back.  I know that there are people that do this and keep the weight off, but they do ridiculous shit to keep their weight in check.  Things like "steak days" which consist of not eating anything all day and then having a steak for dinner with a tomato.  Or egg days, where you eat a dozen eggs throughout the day, prepared however you like.  And these people swear by this method and are very defensive when people point out how stupid it is.

The allure of the hcg diet is the quick weight loss, which is what sucked me in.  I was hoping to use it as a jump start to get me going on my journey.  I have, in essence, given myself an eating disorder.  I weigh myself constantly to keep myself in check to make sure I'm losing weight.  I feel good when I deprive myself from one of the only 2 fruit servings I get per day, because I feel like it will help me lose weight faster.  I'm too exhausted to be productive around the house, but I'm terrified to eat any more than I am, because I don't want the pounds I've lost to come creeping back.

I'm a third of the way through this ridiculous ordeal, and as much as I want to get my money's worth, I'm tempted to say fuck it, up my calories, and starting walking, because when I lose the extra person I'm carrying, I want to be able to say I did it the healthy way, not the psycho starvation fad diet way.  And when I lose this, I want it gone for good.  I don't want to spend every day of the rest of my life obsessed with the scale.  That, to me, seems more miserable than being fat, so what's the point?

I'm Done With Meat!

It's not a euphemism for being a lesbian; I am so sick of actual meat.  I've ventured into vegetarian territory before, because whenever I eat a lot of meat, it starts to make me physically ill.  It happens a lot on low carb, high protein diets, such as the one I'm on now.  So, for lunch, instead of the 3 oz of protein and cup of veggies I'm supposed to have, I had 2 boiled eggs with a splash of vinegar, a dollop of mayonnaise, and a pickle spear mixed in.  And, yes, those are official measurements I used.  I had an orange on the side, so my entire meal was still around 250 to 300 cals, high in protein, and no processed foods, so I'm sticking to the basic hcg plan.  I'm sure the insane diehards I've seen online would beg to differ, but the whole idea behind this thing is to do something I can stick with throughout life, not gag down food I once loved and have grown to hate due to eating it repetitively and ultimately end up gorging myself into oblivion on Easter candy and potato chips, which leads me to last night's indiscretion.

I haven't cheated on this thing ( I mean for real cheated, not like "oops I had a diet soda" cheated) since I started, and I was so proud of myself on Friday night.  My 6yo broke her wrist around 4:00, so instead of eating dinner, she and I were sitting in the orthopedic doctor's waiting room  waiting to be seen. We didn't finish until 8:00 pm, and she left with a pink cast and an empty belly.  Naturally we went to McDonald's, to reward her bravery throughout the process.  I know- bad mommy, rewarding with food, but come on.  The kid was in pain and was such a trooper.  Anywho, I hate McD's.  I think it's disgusting, and I've always said their meat doesn't taste right- WAY before the pink slime thing was exposed, I might add, but every kids loves it, including me when I was one, so McDonald's it was.  Despite my hatred for it, and most fast food for that matter, I had already made up my mind that I was going to chow down on a cheeseburger and fries, because that was my reward for...I don't know...being a trooper, too?  But, once I got up to the drive-thru, I talked myself out of it, because I've come a long way over the past week, and I am determined to change this time.  My reward for my self restraint was losing a pound.

Cut to last night when I was putting the kids' Easter baskets together, filling them with mini-Reese's, Snickers, Twix, etc.  It was like my sense of smell was heightened, and that wonderful, familiar mixture of chocolate and peanut butter was wafting toward me, becoming overwhelming and irresistible.  I devoured 1, then 2, then I lost count.  And then I got sick.  I'm not used to eating carbs, much less highly processed, sugary ones, so I really got ill.  It was then that I made the decision to have a full-on cheat meal.  I knew that it was either that, or I would come off the plan altogether, so I picked the lesser of 2 evils and had a cheeseburger, potato chips with dip, and some ice cream for dinner.  I resolved that I will be allowed 1 cheat meal per week, in order to keep my motivation and determination from waning.  And. It. Worked.  I did gain a pound back, but my resolve is stronger than ever, and the only changes I'm making are substituting vegetarian protein sources, and I really want to start running.  In order to do that, I have to up my calorie intake, so I may still wait a few more weeks, because I don't want to acknowledge to myself that the hcg was a huge waste of money.  At least, not yet.  So I'm sticking to the calorie restrictions, for now.

Week 1 Done

Today marks a week since I started the very low calorie diet.  I've lost about 7 pounds.  I say "about" because I'm not sure exactly where I started since I didn't have a digital scale until the next day.  Anyway, 7 seems pretty good to me.  I know a lot of people drop this on the first week of any diet plan they start, and it's mostly water, but I usually don't lose this much even in the first week of healthy eating on any plan. Also, my fatty fatty jeans that were too tight and providing me with a oh so sexy muffin top now slide on with no problems, so I've lost inches as well.

It took about 3 days of eating low cal not to be hungry, but I am still quite weak and exhausted.  I always thought carbs made me tired because whenever I eat a super carby meal, I'm usually ready for a big ol' nap afterward, but this is an entirely new kind of tired.  This is more like I'm a new mom again and barely functioning exhaustion.  I can feel that my blood sugar is permanently low, and that's probably because I have hypoglycemic tendencies (all the more reason I shouldn't be messing around with this).  I have been drinking my water and taking supplements consisting of Calcium Pyruvate, a daily multi-vitamin, and some adrenal health supplement of which I cannot find the ingredients.  I definitely think there's caffeine or something in the adrenal one, because I notice a definite difference between when I take it and when I don't.  In fact, if I were telling someone about this, I would recommend the supplements over the hcg, because I'm not all that convinced the hcg does anything.  The one thing it has done for me is remind me that paid a shit ton for it, and by God, that money will not go to waste, so I take that sad little pellet every morning, and I'm sticking to this goddamn plan for the 40 days.

Truthfully once it's over, I'm probably switching to the healthy diet and exercise thing because everyone I admire that has traveled this journey before me did it the old fashioned way.  Don't be fooled, though.  This is no magic pill.  It's really fucking hard to eat 2 meals a day consisting of microscopic proportions and eating the same crap over and over.  I'm not a meat fan, and I despise fish, so that's the toughest part for me.  I'd rather be on a vegetarian or vegan plan honestly, and I'll probably pursue that once this is finished. I also want to start running.  Stop laughing, asshole.  I can totally be a runner.  I just have to build up to it.  This chick is my role model, so one day I hope to get to where she is and become a role model for other chubsters, but more importantly my kids.

Countdown

In 2 days I will be officially starting the HCG diet.  I ordered the pellets, and they are supposed to be here tomorrow.  I went through an online Dr. prescribed thing, so I could make sure I was getting the prescription real stuff as opposed to the fake stuff.  I also know someone who went through the same company and lost 38 pounds on the first round.  That was enough to convince me.  Supposedly the purpose of the hcg is to keep you from being hungry and to prevent muscle loss, since you're basically doing a crash diet.  Every ounce of reason tells me this is ridiculous, not to mention I've taken nutrition classes and done enough of my own research to know what's healthy and what's not, but then there's the irrational fat girl who is desperate to get back to the normal girl I once was.  At this point, irrationality is triumphing over reason, so I'm starting this thing in the hopes that the next 40 days will jump start my weight loss as well as my motivation to keep going.

Some history: I was always active and fit until college.  Then, I got depressed and started piling on weight.  I started at 120 and finished my collegiate career at around 150.  I got married the following month and put on another 15 pounds BEFORE I got pregnant with my son. I kept 10 pounds from him and got pregnant again, keeping another 10 pounds.  The third time around, I kept another 10 pounds.  While childbirth was not great for my figure, I noticed emotions were obviously a much bigger trigger for weight gain when I got a job working for a hell beast and was miserable for 3 years, gaining another 20 pounds.  I finally quit and went back to school, gaining my college weight all over again.  So, while I won't say exactly where I am, you can do the math.  I need to lose a lot of weight to be healthy and to be able to keep up with my very active children who won't be slowing down any time soon.